These Purely Gratuitous photos have nothing to do with the pledge

I’ve released a monster with all of this Anti-Huffing Glue Rhetoric going around these days. Swellco & Swellco management has gone all topsy ridiculous on the matter and now I can’t sniff a marker in the office without getting hit upside the head with a John Holmes Dildo.

Not only do they want me to make a pledge to give up huffing ALL inhalants that will get you high, they want me to write the pledge so that all the people at the Drug Jawn Anti-huffing Psychedelic Disco Dance Party.

Well I like a paycheck so here goes my first rough draft. Let me know what you think.

-Believing that true love waits in a world free of the beautiful haze of chemical inhalants, I make a commitment to God (and or weed*), myself, my family, Satan, my friends, my co-workers, my pimp, my future mate, my future roommates, and my future children to a lifetime of purity and holy blessed strength and including inhalant abstinence, from this day until the day I enter a Biblical relationship with a sexy, hot, sweaty, hard bodied fuck machine who will rock my world and smoke blunts all night. I will keep my body and my thoughts pure as I trust in God’s (and or weed’s) perfect plan for my life. It is God’s (and or weed’s) will that you and your first born should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his/her own body in a way that is holy, honorable and full of weed.

And now a Purely Gratuitous naked Tumblr Photo set to distract you from your urges to huff the beautiful sweet fumes of enlightenment that only toxic chemicals in a dirty sock can provide.

-Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Photos courtesy of http://workshoperotica.tumblr.com

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

Some times you gotta slap a bitch in the name of good music

So the other day I’m communing with the Lord and/or cleaning out my bowl, I’m not sure which, one or the other – it doesn’t really matter. In any case, whatever it was that I was doing, I was doing it to the soothing sounds of Ice Dragon. My roommate, who was patiently waiting for her turn to pray to god and/or take a hit, says “these guys are just a half-ass imitation of Black Sabbath”, at which point I smacked her right across the mouth much-to-her-chagrin.

I proceeded to inform her that a so-called half-ass imitation of Sabbath is still an imitation of Sabbath, which is to say still leagues better than whatever indie-dork-pitchfork-approved-hipper-than-thou shit she was listening to; at which point she spit in my face.

And while generally I’m no stranger to bodily fluids on my face, uninvited loogies tend to raise my ire. So after a slightly less than graceful catlike pounce upon her chest, followed by vigorous throat massage I explained that if it were up to me I’d gather up all her bad-haired skinny-jeaned-sexually-ambivalent icons, bus them to death camps and burn them alive with piles of their limited edition 7-inches at their feet. I told her that I would in fact, then systematically eliminate all musicians, DJs, composers and most adults so that we could start again, teaching the children of the purity of Black Sabbath. All bands would not be imitations of Sabbath but more like emissaries spreading the truth, light and way of Black Sabbath.

Ice Dragon is NOT a half-ass imitation of Sabbath. You wouldn’t call a priest a half-ass imitation of Jesus?

My roommate accused me of being baked out of my mind, a charge to which I confessed, so I let her go and we continued with our communion.

Amen.

Annette Garcia
Swellco & Swellco 54823a

You probably need the occasional repose of Ice Dragon, too. Be sure to check out their site.

Photos courtesy of http://www.myspace.com/icedragonofficial & http://www.satanskinder.com

Where is the fucking limbo line?

I went to go see Cult of Youth just before Christmas and was a little shocked by what I saw there. The ominous musings of Sean Ragon was reminiscent of some June of 44/ Richard Hell perverse apocalyptic folk nightmare raining down from the heavens with the angels of God (and or weed)*  swooping in to confront the armies of the damned on the fields of my frontal lobe in order to finally claim and settle rights to what’s left of my tattered, tainted soul. Or as my girlfriend said “they were pretty ok.”

I was however disappointed that there wasn’t a limbo line during their set. I distinctly recall reading somewhere online that they were known for having the audience come up on stage for a limbo contest. A festive dance line would have punctuated the epic, literary songwriting and added just that little extra bit of theatrics.

I told my girlfriend that I felt kinda gypped about the limbo line.
She told me I needed a breath mint.
And I probably did.

Be sure to check out their site, write them and express your love of limbo

- Jimi Jam
Swellco & Swellco #23234b

Photos courtesy of http://www.satanskinder.com & http://www.myspace.com/cultofyouthband

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

Take another hit of Boris

Boris has earned its rabid cult following for their ability to expertly harness music as power. Be it psychedelic metal, colossal drone, blistering punk or distortion-ravaged shoegaze. They have been crushing audiences with their overwhelming live performances blah blah. Alright, alright, I admit I just cut and pasted that from another blog.

I am privy to some of the details of our new soon to be unleashed community outreach program- Don’t Huff Glue, Get High on God (and or Weed). I’ve given up huffing glue* for at least the rest of this year to show my commitment to the cause and have been focusing all my attention soley towards the pleasures of God (and or weed) I find that listening to Boris while eating Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie and playing Kirby’s Return to Dreamland on the Xbox all go really, really good while getting high on God (and or weed). Like for 12 hours at a time kinda good.

I look at pictures of Boris, and I think, “wow, I bet they rarely if ever huff glue or even gasoline.” But I listen to them and think, “yeah, these fuckers always get high on God (and or weed).

Check them out, and then call me a liar.

-Felicia Jackson
Swellco & Swellco 22397b

Photos courtesy of http://www.myspace.com/borisdronevil

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

Swellco & Swellco says get high on god (and or weed.)

I want to talk about something that is very close to my heart. Huffing inhalants. As the angry fan letter the other day stated, Swellco & Swellco has a real history of reaching out to the public for issues that matter in the communities we are sequestered in. I feel like the amount of huffing I see going on in my living room and down at the corner Deli where I do inhalants really seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. That being said, I would like to quote the good book regarding this issue.

‘Do not huff glue.’
But I tell you that anyone who huffs glue and then
looks at a woman has already sucked her dick with his heart”
(Matthew 12:18).

While the above verses refer to men huffing glue, all men know that it can very easily be reversed to apply to oven cleaner as well. Men may be more easily stimulated while huffing oven cleaner, but men can be just as vulnerable to sexual fantasy with a bag of airplane glue. Both are sin in God’s eyes, and both can be brought into subjection by controlling our thoughts through so much sweet stinky weed.*

All huffing immorality begins with a thought. A lustful delicious ravenous thought not taken captive, will eventually lead to other perversions, because sin reproduces itself in increasingly greater measures. If we do not deal with our evil thoughts, they will take root in our hearts (and through huffing and anal injection.)

God came not only to deliver us from our “outward” sins, but also from wickedness that begins in the heart. And everyone knows “the heart” is just gay code for fornication because fornication is more that just sex with someone before marriage, it is something beautiful. And it leads to other beautiful amazing things like other sexual sins such as pornography and the use of sexual toys for gratification and extortion. People who are not satisfied with God’s plan for sex commit idolatry by using evil things to experience weird and unlawful forms of sexual intercourse.  Some verses in Willie D actually describe this kind of fornication.

“I make big money, I drive big cars
Everybody know me, it’s like I’m a movie star
But late at night, somethin ain’t right
I feel I’m being tailed by the same sucker’s head lights
Is it that fool that I ran off the block
Or is it that nigga last week that I shot”
(Willie D 1:22)

And this is why I am campaigning for Huffing Glue to be the new Swellco & Swellco cause célèbre when we begin operating live again.

-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Photos courtesy of http://girlsandguns.tumblr.com/ & http://epicnsfw.tumblr.com

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

There has been a lot of coffee break debate around here recently, a few fights too, coming up with our vote for the greatest Stoner Rock album of all time.

Now if you are about to get into a fight at your office, remember these tips:

-Your levels of strength and endurance will be a major factor should the fight last more than a few seconds. Some combat-specific weightlifting will be immensely beneficial – one of the best sources of information for this is Bud Jeffries, at www.strongerman.com
-Before engaging in combat make a mental note whether your opponent is right or left handed, this can help pre-emptive strikes.
-Don’t be afraid to strike first, if you sincerely believe that you are not going to escape the situation without a fight; your goal is to get through the situation without being hurt, not to observe ‘rules’, or to look macho by beating someone in a ‘fair fight’ You can fight with honor and lose, or fight to survive and win.
-Also always stand your ground
-Always stay calm. anger will make your fighting worse, and will make your punches weaker.

Then there is the other strategy:

-Tell your co-workers to suck your dick and then flip off your boss. He is probably a pathetic little tyrant and will not be expecting you to stand up for him self.
-Go home and smoke a shit ton of hash out of your big brothers hookah. Then sink into your beanbag and let your mind slowly melt out of your ears like lava lamp wax because you always knew the answer was Electric Wizard’s Dopethrone. (The world is coming to an end anyway)

- Jimi Jam
Swellco & Swellco #23234b

Be sure to check out Electric Wizard’s site