Swellco2000.com’s own lovable Uncle Wheat Toast (Swellco & Swellco 54239c) claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Swellco & Swellco thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.

Crack thieves will not be tolerated

DEAR UNCLE TOAST
My daughter is 22 and starting to want to wear makeup. She never used to be much of a tart and used to prefer playing with chickens over doing “girly” things. She wore makeup to the trailer park last weekend, and her father was very drunk. He threatened to call “Pooky, King of the Mind Monkeys” if her whore ass stole his crack. She tells me kids are making comments about her because she plays with chickens and doesn’t smoke enough crack or wear makeup. She seems so down. Uncle Toast, I don’t see anything wrong with her smoking crack once in a while. I know I did when I was a whore ass and I never had to live in fear of mind monkeys.
-STRESSED IN PRISON

DEAR STRESSED IN PRISON
Get a cold 40 of Old E for your husband, because I have news for him. His little girl is growing up, and right on schedule. Now, I don’t know how much makeup your daughter wore to the the trailer park, but if she’s stealing crack she needs to be set straight. I would suggest a stern beating with a coat hanger while squealing like a pig as you attack her. Your Daughter’s primitive mind will associate stealing crack with farm animals. I would also say that you need to have a serious talk with you husband about his threats. Bringing mind monkeys into your life is no light matter. If set loose in your home, the mind monkeys could easily bore into your daughter’s brain and feed on her dreams and thoughts for up to 3000 days and nights. Just remember Stressed in Prison, whether it be makeup, smoking crack, coat hanger beatings or mind monkeys; moderation is the key.
And now a gratuitous booty dance.
-Uncle Wheat Toast Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is?
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
or call the Uncle Wheat Toast Help-Line (571) 31-TOAST /86278

Swellco2000.com’s own lovable Uncle Wheat Toast (Swellco & Swellco 54239c) claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Swellco & Swellco thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.

Slut.

DEAR UNCLE TOAST
I have a sister-in-law who I believe is selling off her children — but not in the usual black market white slavery way most people sell children. Not a week goes by that I don’t see her kids standing on a corner with a sign saying “Great deal, low price, will eat worms.” She seems to be happy or feels “important” when eating meat, selling children or talking to someone with a medical degree. Other relatives think she’s an exceptionally cunning business woman. I think she’s sick, but I’m not sure whom to contact. She does not think she has a problem. Meanwhile, my brother sits idly by — or accompanies her to find more children. Am I wrong, or should some type of authority or social service be notified?
-HALF EMPTY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HALF EMPTY IN NEW JERSEY,
I hate to tell you but there is nothing wrong with selling children. Why, if there was no baby black market, what would rich eunuchs do if they want man servants? Who would work in sweat shops? Why, without white slavery we wouldn’t have Oliver Twist or Little Orphan Annie. What kind of world would that be? Probably a pretty gloomy one. Half Empty in New Jersey, you need to face your own fear of intimacy, give your sister-in-law a hug, drink a beer, fuck shit up old school, give me a hand job, and maybe just maybe, you should sell off a child.
And now a gratuitous nudie dance.
-Uncle Wheat Toast Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is?
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
or call the Uncle Wheat Toast Help-Line (571) 31-TOAST /86278