both barrels and no lube, that's Machine's philosophy.

The Machine was born in March 1936, and grew up in a dungeon near Detroit, where his father worked as a horseradish vendor at Ford Motor Company’s bio medical division. He graduated from Harvard University with a bachelor’s degree in mathematics and meat carving. While in college, the Machine managed a prostitution ring, worked on the Harvard Crimson newspaper and still managed to find time to rough up people in homeless shelters. After college, the Machine was indited, tried and acquitted of trafficing in endangered rhino horn and zebra meat. Before taking on Swellco & Swellco’s public relations department, he worked for two years at Procter & Gamble Co. as an assistant product manager and briefly smuggled hash out of Eastern Europe. On his days off the Machine enjoys rough sex, rhino poaching and collecting rare coins.