This pornstar-prostitute-Ph.D is going to save the world.

If I could be anyone, besides Uncle Wheat Toast, it would be today’s birthday girl Annie Sprinkle.  I know I’m forcing the issue because today’s not even her birthday, but I’m blowing out her birthday candles & making a changing places wish; Annie Sprinkle is altruistic, intelligent, bat shit crazy, curvy & very into giving h.j.’s. I only hope that someday I can look back & be as proud of my life as Annie Sprinkle must be today.

Annie Sprinkle is married to a woman AND she is married to the moon.  Two wives! I don’t know anyone with two wives, let anyone who’s having a threesome with a celestial satellite.

Annie Sprinkle was a prostitute for over 20 years, fucked thousands of hippies, rockers, 80′s chicks & the entire pornography industry, & she doesn’t have AIDS!

Annie Sprinkle can have a screaming orgasm at any moment by just breathing properly & wearing lots of gold/laying in a flower garden/gyrating in a burning room.

Though she spent a majority of her life banging dudes for money, Annie Sprinkle put the dick down long enough to earn a (non-accredited) Ph.D in human sexuality & invent Sexecology, which allowed her to marry the moon.

Annie Sprinkle’s vagina & huge titties are going to save the planet because her throbbing orgasms are going to drip a big dollop of caulk-like, middle aged lady jizz on the ozone layer, her vagina is going to suck up all the oil spills & she will re-use it as lube & her giant tits are going to feed the sexually starved people of the world.

Go get ‘em, birthday girl!

-Puss Bainbridge (88321c)

To buy a pair of Annie Sprinkles used panties dipped in bronze: anniesprinkle.org (asm)

Ecosexuality is hot.

Annie Sprinkles’ Soft Cock Manifesto

Photos courtesy of http://anniesprinkle.org/

We live in Hard Times.

Unemployment is staggering and on the rise. Disposable income is scarce. Inflation and consumer prices are inching their way up. The national debt has soared into the realms of incomprehensibility while your elected officials run around giving away unprecedented amounts of cash that’s been pilfered from you to big business, corporate bankers and just about every desperate grasping hand but yours.

And while this is certainly depressing, we could always take comfort in the idea that it can only get better…

But the problem is, it won’t.

Nearly all the revered and respected talking heads not on the public pacification payroll are yammering that it’s going to get worse; a lot worse.

At Swellco & Swellco, we understand that despite our best efforts, not everyone enjoys the comfort and security of being under the thumb of a powerful, semi-benevolent,  multi-national corporate juggernaut like ourselves. And so with that in mind, we’ve put together some helpful tips on how the ‘lone wolf’ can try and keep afloat in this rising tide of shit.

1) SELL DRUGS: The desire to escape the coming nightmare world that we’ll all be living in will be the chief priority amongst the suffering masses. Marijuana just isn’t going to cut it anymore. Uppers, downers and particularly feel-good hallucinogens which offer small but important breaks from the constant stress and anxiety of so-called reality will go for top dollar.

2) SELL GUNS: Between the great surge in gangs, robbers and thieves and the necessity of entrepreneurs in the growing illicit drug economy to protect their stashes, those selling small arms stand to make a killing. Profits will be even greater if you can produce your own niche ammunition. Focus on assault shotguns and have them coming back for your ‘specialty shells’.

3) SELL FLESH: It’s cheap and abundant. Whether it’s your own or your recent immigrant neighbors’ children, human trafficking will be a secure source of income. More out of work young women (and boys) will begin to understand the earning potential of their orifices. Traditional courting/dating with dinners and drinks, flowers and presents will be thought of as an old, outdated and EXPENSIVE means of getting laid. The more financially and emotionally economical practice of prostitution and sex-for-sale will be the number one means of most men getting some in the terrible 2010s.

4) SELL MOONSHINE: Trust us. No one is going to want to go through this dystopian decade sober. Forget the ridiculous up-mark on ‘state-approved’ booze. With a very little equipment, effort and expense you can produce gallons of black-market hooch for pennies on the dollar, selling at a high margin of profit or trading it for drugs, guns or flesh.

5) SELL YOUR PRIDE: Face it. You’re no idiot. You’ve worked hard to get that little crumb of the cake you’ve got. But there are people out there that are smarter, stronger, faster, quicker and/or more ruthless than you. In this dog eat dog world, it’s smart to partner up with the Big Dogs. Swallow your pride, respect the hierarchy and offer your loyal service. Being on the right team can mean the difference between staggering success… and ending up like Bi-Slave Rob Peters, selling your wrinkled old ass on the internet to anyone with $2 bucks and a smile.

-Dr. Santiago Preta
Swellco & Swellco 88666b

Photos courtesy of http://you-need-satan.tumblr.com & http://epicnsfw.tumblr.com

both barrels and no lube, that's Machine's philosophy.

The Machine was born in March 1936, and grew up in a dungeon near Detroit, where his father worked as a horseradish vendor at Ford Motor Company’s bio medical division. He graduated from Harvard University with a bachelor’s degree in mathematics and meat carving. While in college, the Machine managed a prostitution ring, worked on the Harvard Crimson newspaper and still managed to find time to rough up people in homeless shelters. After college, the Machine was indited, tried and acquitted of trafficing in endangered rhino horn and zebra meat. Before taking on Swellco & Swellco’s public relations department, he worked for two years at Procter & Gamble Co. as an assistant product manager and briefly smuggled hash out of Eastern Europe. On his days off the Machine enjoys rough sex, rhino poaching and collecting rare coins.