Yes, it’s a cheap high, but it’s a high that makes you look cheap

Times are tough, no one is denying that. The banks have screwed us, the corporations have bought off the politicians and the jobs have all been shipped away so the CEO’s can help themselves to another bonus. The country is bankrupt, our civil rights are being stripped away in the name of a war that never ends and all that’s on tonight is Real House Wives of New Jersey.

People are looking for escape in the worst places. The practice of huffing glue and other inhalants is reaching a fever pitched national epidemic not seen since Crack, Meth or Bukkake. This trend has gripped a whole generation of young people and our educational system reflects it. Huffing doesn’t discriminate by race, religion or sex. Huffing is a plague that has taken hold of peoples lives everywhere, whether it’s in the city, in the suburbs, in bumble fuck hickville or on the open sea, huffing is real, and it’s probably happening in your household right now.

Swellco & Swellco is hosting a fun night of learning, love and laughter in Philadelphia, Pa in order to get the word out that there are more glamorous alternatives to glue or paint in a dirty sock.
Get high on God*,
get high on Weed,
get high on Porn,
get high on Four Loco,
get high on more Weed,
get high on Quilting,
get high on Group Sex,
get high on Witchcraft
get high on even more Weed,
and most importantly, get high on Weed.

Join Needles Jones & The Jawn Band for the
Drug Jawn Disco Dance Party Anti-Huffing Educational Outreach
Febuary 11th
9:00 Pm
PhilaMOCA: The Philadelphia Mausoleum of Contemporary Art
531 North 12th St.
Philadelphia, PA
Featuring Performances by the Jawn Band, Needles Jones, The Huffing Glue Dancers, Louise LaTease, Keycifer Black and many more whose names we don’t know yet.

Stand up to Huffing and say, “that’s kinda fucked up.”

Photos courtesy of http://fuckyeahsexanddrugs.tumblr.com & http://epicnsfw.tumblr.com

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

Synthetics kill, go god, go green

There has been a huge amount of pressure for Swellco & Swellco to begin engaging the community again and we have decided to heed the call. We have chosen to address two really important issues at once. Our nations inhalants epidemic has reached staggering proportions, especially amongst the elderly while the spiritual values that was once our countries foundation has eroded away.

Swellco & Swellco is going to provide a night of love, laughter, education and caring to get the word out that God (and or weed)* can get you just as high as inhalants. It’s safer, cleaner and better for you. A relationship with God (and or weed) will heal your troubles on Earth and get you through the gates of heaven.

Since we haven’t moved our offices yet, we decided to throw this Community Outreach in the city we were launched in, the city of brotherly love. This will be the first of several East Coast Shows including a party in NYC in March and one in Baltimore in May.

Don’t Huff Glue, Get High on God (and or weed)
Febuary 11th
9:00 Pm
PhilaMOCA: The Philadelphia Mausoleum of Contemporary Art
Featuring
The Jawns Band presenting their Drug Jawn Live Disco Dance Party
The Huffing Glue Dancers
and hosted by Needles Jones
more performers and details will be provided soon.

Photos courtesy of http://fuckyeahsmokingweed.tumblr.com

*Swellco & Swellco does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drug use and all references are purely fictional for entertainment purposes.

She just doesn’t know it yet.

A couple of years ago I was a tattoo convention out west. My guy friends ran up to me loosing their shit because a  flesh hook suspension show was about to start. I was less that enthused by the idea. I’ve been seeing suspension acts at shows since I was in junior high. Yawn. They were insistent. I was drunk off of rum I was drinking out of a flask an really into watching this three hundred pound biker fight with his crazed 5′ Latino girlfriend. THAT was something I hadn’t seen a dozen times. But the guys wouldn’t let up.

Then I understood why. The suspension girl was quite possibly one of the most epic bitches I have ever seen. She was movie star beautiful, almost naked with this intense mermaid tattoo. Oh and of course she was being violently spun around from thick gauge hooks in her back. I instantly became wet in my girl region.

For two years I’ve dreamed about munching that box. Then today, for reasons I can’t divulge, El Jefe Mr. Black asked me to start perusing models in Las Vegas. I’m browsing through Model Mayhem, and there she is, the suspension queen with the mermaid tattoo.

But wait, there she is in a photo of a midget stuffing her into an oven. But wait, there she is reenacting a Genki- Genki squid fetish scene. But wait, there is a whole series of photos of her being pelted with eggs and rolling around in raw meat. (her concept and direction) I, I, I’m speechless. It’s as if everything we as a staff of Swellco & Swellco’s subversive subliminal testing facility could ever want in one person was right there… I flatly wrote management that I would do anything necessary to get them to make her our top spokes model. I told them I would wash their cars every week for a year, do their laundry and suck Needles Jones dick,  I’m that girl crazy for this one.

-Annette Garcia
Swellco & Swellco 54823a

Be sure to check out her site and shower her with praise

Photos courtesy of http://misscrash.com

Still kickin’ it old school

The Qream Drag Party is celebrating Swellco & Swellco Staff favorite Needles Jones birthday tonight.

If you aren’t familiar with Needles Jones the legendary drag Pariah, then you are probably aren’t familiar with Swellco & Swellco. The living (often half alive) legend is famous as the host of Philly’s Hard Liquor Theatre and has been a regular at Philly’s Monday Night Club and NYC’s Pussy Faggot. His Nico- One Woman Show tribute to the famous Velvet Underground member has left audience members traumatized with brain damage all over the country.

Needles has been a part of nearly  every single S&S event, even when we weren’t planning on it. (no really, sometimes he just shows up) We consider him the greatest of all our Employee Assets and do adore him.

We aren’t going to be shocked and disappointed if you haven’t heard of Qream, we won’t blame you just yet, being that it’s only their second drag party at the Barbary. We have our eyes on this one. Philadelphia has the world famous Drag Show at Bob & Barbara’s, but beyond that it’s pretty lacking in the drag category. We will be sniffing around these ladies over the next few months- we have high hopes for Qream and from their press releases, I don’t think they will disappoint.

Check out all the details of the Qream party in our event section here.

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Oh and one more thing…
If you see Needles there tonight, give him a good birthday spanking and then ask him to tell you about the time when he peed on a passed out pre Go-Go’s Belinda Carlisle in Soho.  It’s always a crowd pleaser.

Behold him, for he is the King of the Queens

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

Photos courtesy of http://superwoobinda.tumblr.com

6 WRATH Parties and NO apocalypse. Thanks Macho Man.

Well, the end of the world came and went with nothing but brutal hangovers and spotty memories of twisted decadence to mark the “Ooops never mind Apocalypse.” Neither Harold Camping or our own management foresaw the martyrdom of Macho Man Randy Savage or his heavenly victory in stopping the destruction and judgement of us all.

We may not be dead, but we aren’t bitter about it here at Swellco & Swellco. We managed to achieve something quite remarkable. We managed to organize and co-ordinate 5 S&S events on the same night, and from the photos that are trickling in, they all looked pretty fierce.

More astonishing was that a 6th unofficial party in AZ occurred without us even being involved.

After the cataclysmic bio-hazard issues at the final Hard Times party, a continuous debate raged on whether or not an official blood, feces & sodomy ban needed to be in place. Ironically, no reports of this being an issue have come back.

Some interesting high points that have been reported to us.

-The Buenos Aires WRATH was the largest in attendance with 350 people toasting to the end of us all. However only 26 dressed in Fury costumes.

-It ends up that the Auckland New Zealand party was NOT officially sponsored by Hell’s Pizza who was unaware of  the bikini bottom pizza party pre-WRATH party, party. the 40 guests were all evicted from the premises after they decided to change the bikini bottom pizza party theme into a NO bottom pizza party.

-In Las Vegas a guest of the End Times Burlesque Extravaganza accidentally set the bathroom on fire at the Double Down Saloon. This however really isn’t that note worthy in that someone sets SOMETHING on fire there every night.

-At the Bergen Norway Bond Fire it is reported, but not confirmed that a real goat was sacrificed. We are waiting for photo confirmation. Swellco & Swellco would like to state that we do not engage in or endorse cruelty to animals and if any such act did occur, it was not in any official capacity and S&S management was unaware of any plans for this to happen.

-In Philadelphia management & employee assets gathered in our armed palatial compound to contemplate the end. Sadly everyone became so inebriated that we actually forgot to hold the Hula Hoop Contest.  One of the scarier moments occurred when hosts Louise LaTease and Needles Jones made out on our stage. The world WAS coming to an end after all…

Sadly, the end of ending the world brings happy and sad announcements. The decision to launch our Swellco & Swellco Approved Party  Listing & Newsletter was put on hold when we received the news about the Rapture. Obviously, now that service will go forward. However, as we begin to focus on finding the most original and bizarre live events in our cities, we will be suspending our locally sponsored parties indefinitely. Philadelphia, you’ve been characteristically awesome and inhospitable as only Philly can be.

More Photos Sets of various WRATH parties will be posted as they all come in.

Swallow your soul.

Our Third Featured WRATH party is in our home town: Philadelphia.

Who knew the business of watching the world end could be so much work?  Corporate Office has the inside scoop, and Harold Camping is right. Apparently, Baby Jesus is swooping down on May 21st to kick some ass and drag us all to hell. Our decision was to say “fuck it, let’s throw a party.” Unfortunately, after our Director of Operations busted his ass for 2 months setting up parties all over the planet, word of our now WORLD INFAMOUS ‘Hard Times’ parties got out… and we faced a cascade of venue cancelations as a result. Even our home base Philly venue gave us the boot. After we announced our Blood and Feces Free Guarantee they agreed early on, then, without explanation, we got the high hat. Well, fuck the Khyber Pass Pub with their “rules” and “health codes” and “public safety regulations…” the world is coming to an end anyway.

Swellco & Swellco is going underground for our final party:

May 20th
Bearded Lady Hula Hoop Contest

9:00 Private party. Contatct info @ swellco2000.com for secret location
$8 donation, open bar
80 guest limit RSVP required
Free to ladies with beards and hula hoops or drag queens
Hosted by Needles Jones and Louise LaTease

For the Philadelphia WRATH End Times Pre-Party we rescind our Blood and Feces Free Guarantee. We do not promise the event will be 100% blood and feces free. We do not promise live sodomy will not be performed on stage.
All the prohibitions the Khyber Pass Pub tried to force on our guests will not apply to the party including but not limited to:

-full frontal nudity
-razor blades
-enema bottles
-bottle rockets
-dildos
-adult diapers
-tasers
-pigs’ heads
-roller skates
-and pudding.

Seriously, we’re all going to hell, and life is just a circus.

For more on the WRATH End Times Pre-Party Project click here.

Peen Poon

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

HOW WOULD YOU SPEND YOUR LAST NIGHT ON EARTH?

Bravissimo = Burlesque Royalty

The post-social networking world of DIY promotion has its ups and downs. The upside: those with a small (or even no) budgets can promote their projects and gain exposure in a way that wouldn’t have been possible 20 years ago. The downside: there are a whole lot of self-promoters and performers who wrap themselves in a womb of self-delusion and assumed importance. Everyone believes they are about to be stars… or worse, that they already are. Live performers huddle in cliquey troupes and collectives that are often more reminiscent of a ridiculous junior high reenactment of The Warriors.

Enter The Bravissimo Burlesque. Lil’ Steph and Miss Rose looked around at the trite cattiness that punctuated burlesque and sideshow troupes and said “enough.” The Bravissimo Burlesque has no time for egos or gang signs. It’s an open call for the vast wealth of individual performers on the east coast. Circus and burlesque stars come from all over the region to work their magic while leaving their attitude behind.

Like Swellco & Swellco’s Community Outreach Program, The Bravissimo Burlesque Showcase is often mistaken for a performance troupe instead of a reaction to them. That being said, perhaps it’s no wonder that our special events artistic director Louise LaTease, as well as Swellco & Swellco staffer favorites like Mr. Deadguy, Needles Jones & Heather Henderson are regulars, or that Lil’ Steph & Miss Rose are Swellco & Swellco staffers themselves. We operate so closely to them that we consider them to be our (slightly) more wholesome cousin. Kind of like a Marylyn Munster to our Ed Gein.

This month at The Hard Times Talent Contest, Lil’ Steph and Miss Rose will be once again exploring their dark side with Louise LaTease for a full set of ultra-disturbing Burlesque.  If you miss it, you are a cunt. But you can redeem yourself by checking out Bravissimo every last Saturday of the month at WineO in Northern Liberties.

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of Dan Joyce Photography