Our girl is going for the gold

We don’t make any qualms about our unabashed love for naked girls. If you are so uptight that seeing a beautiful girl swing on a pole offends you, you probably aren’t on this site anyway. Well tonight is the Philadelphia’s world famous Delilah’s Den, 9th Annual Diamond G-String Awards. The best exotic dancers on the east coast are going to be competing for a $10,0000 cash prize. The host this year is comedian Bret Earnst, which may or may not be a step above Danny Bonaduce last year or Ron Jeremy the year before.

Our own Lil’ Steph will be performing to night. The Bravissimo Burlesque ring leader and Swellco & Swellco regular is possibly one of the sexiest pixies you will ever see covered in glitter and glamour. Helen Harper, Uncle Wheat Toast, Helvis Presley and other Philly staff are planning on attending to cheer her on.

If you aren’t in Philly, or can’t make it, here are some pics of our darling lady.

To see more of Lil’ Steph, check out her site and .f you want to come to get in on the fun, check out more details in our Philly event section.

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of lilsteph.com

What does a bad day at your office look like? Mr. Brown contemplates a social experiment gone horribly wrong.

As you may have noticed, we have not posted a debriefing of our most recent Hard Times Dance Party, Talent Contest and Indoctrination Seminar. This is for very good reason.

We publicly promoted this event as an opportunity for people to express themselves in an open, no rules or judgement forum. Privately, we saw it as a social experiment. The only instruction we gave was that the contestant(s) needed to do “something” to compel the judges to give them the money. How would people interpret this? In this modern age of numbed senses and stimulus bombardment, what would be the result?

We already had some idea. We initially tested the concept at our Baphomet Birthday Bash in October. The contest was at the tail end a long list of activities and was only for $50 cash.  The contest abruptly ended after the second contestant handed the host a knife and asked him to carve SWELLCO into his back.

The first official party turned out crushing crowds and shocking results. Human dartboards, sewn-up lips and, uh… ” enema art” were some of the highlights. While there was an air of elation at the party, there was apprehension amongst the staff. This was our first of what was supposed to be an ongoing series. All reoccurring events normally have a build up. But this was our LAUNCH, our starting point. This first party made any organized gonzo sideshow look like a children’s program. All promoters want word to spread, but we soon discovered more apprehension than curiosity regarding the first contest. People we talked to seemed honestly scared to come.

Paid the cost to be boss- the stage after the first Hard Times.

February’s party confirmed our greatest concerns. Contestants came with the express intention of topping the first contest. And they did. By the time the fourth entry in the contest had completed their performance, half the audience had fled in horror and disgust, including the last two contestants. Dirty Diamond was speechless for the first time in his career. The burlesque dancers rightly viewed the stage as a biohazard and literally refused perform a second set.  We didn’t blame them.  Brown & Black locked themselves in the green room with a bottle of whiskey and waited for the lights to come on.

We had added liability and personal injury waivers for the Video Circus & the Khyber along with our standard model release forms; however, we feel that no amount of paper would dig us out of a criminal negligence charge if we continued to allow contestants to try and top past performances. There was simply nowhere else to go except severe injury and death.

At this stage, we are still waiting on word from our lawyer to see if it is in our best interest to even describe or show what happened. We are waiting to review photos from the event; many of the photographers appear to be reluctant to hand over the physical documentation. We haven’t even viewed the video footage yet, and, in all honesty, the staff is still a little shell-shocked.

Thus goes the monthly dance party that only lasted two months. Hard Times was an event that went from 0 to 150 MPH in two taps of the pedal. But there is a plus side to the end of this short lived event. Swellco & Swellco will continue to throw events highlighting representatives from various performance groups in the region and the contest has has sparked the birth of brand new talent.  Shocking and amazing performers like Choke & Shlak, Andros the Autobutcher, and Cookie Cutter the Striptease Queen will all be working as staffers of Swellco & Swellco. Of course, with some (but minimal) limitations placed on them for their own safety.  More on this soon.

We are all going to hell, and life is just a circus.

Everyone is bored, everyone is jaded. Everyone is depressed and the future is bleak.  We have answers, we have solutions.

What would you envision for a party dedicated to the end of the world? That’s the question the staff of the Swellco & Swellco Community Outreach program was given. The Hard Times Dance Party Talent Contest was their response. Hard Times is a culmination of our philosophy.  We ARE all going to hell, and life IS just a circus. At Hard Times, you don’t just stand around listening to music trying to look cool, or feel forced to tiredly clap at someone on stage.

Here YOU are the Circus, YOU are the show. Here everyone is welcome to express the strangest and most perverse of their fantasies. Everyone is welcome, straight, gay, master, slave, pervert, weirdo, the beautiful or the grotesque. Our talent contest is an open forum for anyone to express themselves. We’ve had people get up and tell jokes & break dance, we’ve also had people sew their lips shut and break bottles over their heads.

$100 cash prize for the winner.
A Swellco & Swellco Tee shirt and a Jug of Ritual Grade Wolf Pee for second prize
ALL CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE A FREE DRINK TICKET

The Infamous Dirty Diamond is going to be hosting the contest and through the night, anyone who gets on stage and engages in Dirty Diamond’s Dirty Dancing Strip off (male or female) WILL ALSO WIN A FREE DRINK TICKET.

Louise LaTease, Lil’ Steph & Miss Rose from the Bravissimo Burlesque are going to be burning up the stage with some ultra twisted Burlesque to warm up the crowd.

But wait, Rock N’ Roll DJ Royalty Kishbaugh & Kohlhofer are spinning for the second time.  That alone is worth the price of admission.

Shhhhh,
guess what, if you show up at the door in drag, dressed as a furry or are naked* admission is half off.

Sponsored by PBR

*the least amount of clothing to be considered still dressed by law (i.e. pasties, duct tape, etc.)

Bravissimo = Burlesque Royalty

The post-social networking world of DIY promotion has its ups and downs. The upside: those with a small (or even no) budgets can promote their projects and gain exposure in a way that wouldn’t have been possible 20 years ago. The downside: there are a whole lot of self-promoters and performers who wrap themselves in a womb of self-delusion and assumed importance. Everyone believes they are about to be stars… or worse, that they already are. Live performers huddle in cliquey troupes and collectives that are often more reminiscent of a ridiculous junior high reenactment of The Warriors.

Enter The Bravissimo Burlesque. Lil’ Steph and Miss Rose looked around at the trite cattiness that punctuated burlesque and sideshow troupes and said “enough.” The Bravissimo Burlesque has no time for egos or gang signs. It’s an open call for the vast wealth of individual performers on the east coast. Circus and burlesque stars come from all over the region to work their magic while leaving their attitude behind.

Like Swellco & Swellco’s Community Outreach Program, The Bravissimo Burlesque Showcase is often mistaken for a performance troupe instead of a reaction to them. That being said, perhaps it’s no wonder that our special events artistic director Louise LaTease, as well as Swellco & Swellco staffer favorites like Mr. Deadguy, Needles Jones & Heather Henderson are regulars, or that Lil’ Steph & Miss Rose are Swellco & Swellco staffers themselves. We operate so closely to them that we consider them to be our (slightly) more wholesome cousin. Kind of like a Marylyn Munster to our Ed Gein.

This month at The Hard Times Talent Contest, Lil’ Steph and Miss Rose will be once again exploring their dark side with Louise LaTease for a full set of ultra-disturbing Burlesque.  If you miss it, you are a cunt. But you can redeem yourself by checking out Bravissimo every last Saturday of the month at WineO in Northern Liberties.

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of Dan Joyce Photography

Envy us

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

Photos Courtesy of http://superwoobinda.tumblr.com

Photos courtesy of Dan Joyce Photography

Swellco & Swellco mandates that all subsidiaries and departments engage in community outreach and public service as an ongoing effort to earn the trust of the communities we are located in. The newly acquired Video Circus is proud of our results. Our second event, the Amateur Go-Go Contest and Hip Hop Dance Party Benefit for Baby Cheezwits was fist fight free and got the word out about the rarely spoken hate crime of puppet persecution.

We see this informative and fun benefit as the silver lining to Employee Asset Baby Cheezwits (Swellco & Swellco 21466c) getting assaulted at our Anti-Bestiality Educational Outreach in March.

“A successful event is all about planning and getting the process right from the get go. This starts with the “idea”.  There is a whole range of charity event options, but depending on your department’s resources and goals, some types of events will work better than others. For example, if you’re looking to raise awareness for a relatively unknown meat, a cake stall or fun fair may be less successful in getting your message across, even though it could be very popular. Meanwhile, if you’re looking primarily to raise funds quickly, a charity event like a benefit bukkake or a fun run may require more organization and planning time than putting together a sausage sizzle or just extorting  donations with hired goons.”
-Excerpt from Swellco & Swellco Corporate Community Outreach Mandate Memo to the Video Circus

NEVER FORGET BABY CHEEZWITS

Our reality is better than your reality

Photos courtesy of Jim McHugh

Like all Swellco & Swellco subsidiaries, the Video Circus has been tasked with reaching out to the community and earning it’s trust. While our first attempt, the Anti-Bestiality Educational Outreach and Heavy Metal Dance Party, was a raging success, it was also marred by violence. multiple fights broke out and Anti-Bestiality spokesman Baby Cheezwits was brutally assaulted.

Needles Jones, Lil' Steph, Helvis, Uncle Wheat Toast and Dirty Diamond

Baby Cheezwits was severely traumatized by the event and has flown into a state of psychotic agoraphobia. No one knows exactly where he is buried. But Swellco & Swellco stands by it’s employee assets and the Video Circus wanted to get the word out that puppet persecution is just as valid a hate crime as any other. To raise this awareness, we held him an Amateur Go-Go Contest and Hip Hop Dance Party Benefit.

Host Louise LaTease demands your attention

What seemed like a straight forward event was surrounded by controversy and turmoil. The path to the Cheezwits party was embattled by a hate mail campaign, the site temporarily suspended and even a threatened protest. But still we pushed forward with the belief that young naked girls, badonkadonk music, scary old men in lipstick and puppets all create a recipe for wholesome fun and healing.

DJ Ron & DJ Roofeo blew the audience away

The turmoil raged up until the day of the event, concerns continued. Both the Phillies and The Flyers were playing that night. An unseasonably cold severe thunderstorm battered the city with icy rain and a third of the pre-registered contestants canceled do to a virus that seemed to cripple half the region. All these strikes on a mid-week evening made the turnout seem bleak,

competition was fierce

Well the promise of lewd behavior and last minute blood offerings to the dark lords of beyond won out. Bob & Barbara’s packed past capacity. 14 girls and 0 boys aggressively competed. Some were spur of the moment amateurs in street cloths, some were thoroughbred pros pre-equipped with props & costumes. The event truly raised questions about the distinctions between burlesque, go-go and stripping, as each contestant seemed to interpret the contest differently.

Happily there was no repeat of violence. PR Director, The Machine monitored his tequila consumption and self loathing mustache adorned Swellco & Swellco hater Shawn P. Matzke did not arrive to cause trouble.

This time no one got hurt

Dirty Diamond & Louise LaTease did their best to control the crowds and their own narcissistic urges after a technical difficultly forced them to SHARE a microphone.

DJ Roofeo & DJ Ron spun dope beats as Needles Jones, Lil Steph, Helvis & Uncle Wheat Toast grappled with the near impossible chore of judging the talent.

After a near riot, a winner was announced

We would like to thank, Passional Boutique & Pabst Blue Ribbon for sponsoring the event, our awesome hosts, judges and DJ’s for who without, we would not have such an epic bar tab. Bob Dix, R.E. Brown, Louise LaTease and Tina Nguyen for (dis)organizing such a bad idea. We would also like to thank Bob & Barbara’s Lounge for unknowingly allowing the Video Circus to expose 200 test subjects to the hidden subversive subliminal signal embedded in the Baby Cheezwits video loop.

Stay tuned for the next Swellco & Swellco Community Outreach and many more photo sets to come.

The Swellco & Swellco Video Circus office is closed in order to nurse hangovers. We will be back shortly after the pain subsides.

If you don’t know about the brutal now infamous Baby Cheezwits assault at the Swellco & Swellco Anti-Bestialtiy Educational Outreach,  you should.
Since this event started, we have been barraged by hate mail and bible quotes, had the site suspended and even had protest threats.
Come show our dead little baby boy that we won’t tolerate dead baby puppet abuse in Philadelphia.

Sponsored by
Passional Boutique
& Pabst Blue Ribbon

-Party starts at 10:00?-Contest Starts at 11:30?-FIRST PRIZE $100 CASH AND $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR PASSIONAL BOUTIQUE?-Second prize an old shoe full of Dirty Diamond’s used condoms.

-Street clothes or costumes, fully dressed or stripped down, male or female, you do what you need to win.
-No genitalia may be exposed, bring pasties or we will provide duck tape.
-Dj picks the song.
-$5 gets you in and a complimentary can of PBR (While supplies last)
-$3 if you bring a puppet. (Offer excludes finger puppets and paper bags)
-Dope Lyrics and Dope Beats provided by DJ Roofeo
-Hosted by Louise LaTease & Dirty Diamond
-Contest Judged by Needles Jones, Lil’ Steph, Helvis Presley & Uncle Wheat Toast

Get well soon Baby Cheezwits!

It would seem that The Swellco & Swellco Video Circus has been a target of continuous misfortune, misplaced public outcry and even cowardly violence ever since our first live event, particularly in the last week. The litany of abuse has been unending.

As is well known, one of the Video Circus’ beloved employees and anti-bestiality spokesman, Baby Cheezwits was assaulted and nearly murdered at our March 4th educational outreach event.

The Staff and our community of loyal consumer assets banded together and organized a candle light vigil at the site of the attack. Only to be turned away due to the bar’s concerns about giving hundreds of drunk people lit candles.

Undaunted, the Video Circus staff organized an amateur go-go contest and dance party benefit for Baby Cheezwits on May 18th. But the event has been plagued by anonymous hate mail accusing the circus of being “sexist exploiters.”

Shawn P. Matzke, the self loathing mustache clad victim of a near assault at the hands of Public Relations Director The Machine, felt emboldened by the go-go contest hate mail backlash and flooded the facebook e-invite page with angry ironic comments condemning the Video Circus of being a “haven for hipsters”

Amid the (dis)organizing and controversy, the Swellco & Swellco Video Circus site experienced “the white page of death” for 48 hours after a plugin conflict. The host server technicians finally discovered the error and also discovered that the Subversive Mind Control Video process involves exposing viewers to Genki-Genki, Clown Snuff and Necrophilia and promptly suspended the site for violating terms.

But the Swellco & Swellco Video Circus Subversive Mind Control Project is back online and our public outreach into the Philadelphia community and the Benefit for our traumatized employee will go forward undaunted. We shall endure, after all, none of this is real anyway.