Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I’m in a god-damn hurry

4/7/12

Pre Zombie Crawl Dead Drunk Bash
Sat 8pm
The El Bar
1356 N. Front St.
Philadelphia, PA
$10
Mr. Unloved, Rigor Mortis Revue & Sparklefight will all be preforming for a prelude to the Zombie Crawl. If you feel like getting out your fake blood early, it’s only $10.

Human BBQ XXXIV
Sat noon
Pilam
3914 Spruce Street
Philadelphia, PA
15 bands and a day long barque for $15 dollars??? Jesus, it’s gotta be hard to make money in playing music anymore, it’s why I went to mime school. Hopefully they get a hot dog.

Bouffant Bangout
Sat 10pm
The Barbary
951 Frankford Ave & Delaware Ave
Philadelphia, PA
Philly’s best ultra mod, 50?s 60?s dance party Bouffant Bangout is hosting another dance contest. Rockabilly locals Full Blown Cherry will be playing too.

Bring the Fury Fest
Sat 6pm
Trocadero Theatre
1003 Arch St.
Philadelphia, PA
$12 adv $15 dos
Metal fests always have such cliched names, so I was glad that when Aftermath Events organized this extensive metal showcase, they named it “Bring The Fury Fest.” The lineup ranges from excellent hardcore to horrible new metal. Something for every taste.

Siyoung ‘MT1IL’ EP Release Party
Sat 11pm
Kung Fu Necktie
1250 North Front
Philadelphia, PA
$5
The though of Rolling while at KFN, let alone Kenzington has always sounded horrible, but with Seclusiasis releasing this dope street bass LP, it might be a thought. Starkey, Dev79, Bombe and of course Siyong present sets.

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Photo courtesy of http://hothipstergirls.tumblr.com

Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords

3/22/12

Ominous Black, Mose Giganticus, Höllenlärm, Kuato
Thursday 8pm
Northstar Bar
2639 Poplar Street
Philadelphia, PA
$8
One of my favorite psychedelic, melodic, scary ass metal. We need more of this. Beard required.
Site

Grimes, Born Gold
Thursday 8pm
Kung Fu Necktie
1250 North Front
Philadelphia, PA
$12
Grimes makes you feel like you’ve drank one too many bottles of Robotusin. Some times you need to drink, one too many bottles of Robotusin, so that’s ok. And any time Born Gold starts playing, well that’s a party.
Site

Factory Girls
Thursday 10pm
Barbary
951 Frankford Ave
Philadelphia, PA
$5
Beauty, style, sex. Get your glam on.
Site

Steez Promo & Dubstep Mix Present The X Tour Featuring Excision
Thursday 8pm
TLA
334 South St
Philadelphia, PA
Tired of staring at your shoes as another Johnny Brenda’s folk band breaks out their flutes? You could gobble some E and dance to some dubstep. It’s a legitimate alternative.
Site

F-Y-L-F (Fuck You Lets Fuck)
Thursday 10pm
700 Club
700 N. 2nd Street
Philadelphia, PA
Garage rock, punk and grunge dj dance party. The press blurb spouts all the proper prerequisite FTW banter. We would go but what’s the point, the worlds going to end anyway.
Site

High Drama Sketch Commedy
Thursday 7pm
Walking Fish Theatre
2509 Frankford Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
$15
Live local sketch comedy that doesn’t suck? It’s a tall order that is rarely filled. These guys put an extra m in comedy, I hope that means something.
Site

Thirsty Thursdays with Kash and Nash Bash
Thursday 9pm
Sisters
1320 Chancellor St
Philadelphia, PA
Lesbian Karaoke has never been so gay. They put out a buffet too.
Site

Bob & Barbara’s Drag Show
Thursday 11:00 pm
Bob & Barbara’s Lounge
1509 South St.
Philadelphia, PA
$7
The dirtiest bar in Philly with the dirtiest drag queens. Lisa lisa has tits that are real. Some how I feel like that should disqualify her as the host. They look nice though.

Sunsets North, Shadow Souls, Jonathan Pitts & The Delco Pacers
Thursday 8pm
Trocadero Theatre
1003 Arch St.
Philadelphia, PA
$8
Guys in black tee shirts and pierced ears get dumped. A LOT. They want to tell you about it.
Site

Facts, The Mendles, Hearing Colors
Thursday9pm
The Fire
412 W Girard Ave.
Philadelphia, PA
$7
In their bio, Facts said their goal is to fight every emo band alive. I would pay to see them fight just one.
Site

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Submit your event listing to Swellco & Swellco’s Go Underground Philadelpia HERE

Just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick

3/15/12

The Fetals, Human Shield, Thee Nosebleeds, and Pool of Thorns
Thursday 8pm
Trocadero Theatre
1003 Arch St.
Philadelphia, PA
Their invite blurb for this said “come get your face smashed out.” Now that’s appealing.
Site

Henry Rollins: The Long March Tour
Thursday 7:30pm
Union Transfer
1024 Spring Garden St.
Philadelphia, PA
$20 adv $22 dos
When I was a little boy there was a big tattooed muscle man who jumped around stage in his underwear screaming and scaring people. Now he is a grey haired man who walks around stage talking and scaring people.
Site

Thirsty Thursdays with Kash and Nash Bash
Thursday 9pm
Sisters
1320 Chancellor St
Philadelphia, PA
Lesbian Karaoke has never been so gay. They put out a buffet too.
Site

Farrah & Ashley of Rock of Love Blondetourage
Gold Room
1416 Chancellor St.
Philadephia, PA
Now see, this is the kinda night I can get into. Trashy reality stars stripping in a topless bar hidden in an alley behind the Applebees dumpsters? You know it’s gotta be good.
Site

New Radio
Thursday 9pm
Barbarella (second floor Barbary)
951 E. Frankford
Philadelphia, PA
free
See kids, once there was this thing called a radio and it played – rock n roll, these guys get it and now so will you. If you go. Maybe you won’t because you’re stupid.
Site

Thinking Machines, Harsh Vibes
Thursday 9pm
Kung Fu Necktie
1250 North Front
Philadelphia, PA
$5
Philly boys who enjoy making noise with musical instruments. That’s what they say, but it sounds more like music to me. But what do I know.
Site

The Double Beat Back
Thursday 10pm
The Trestle Inn
339 North 11th Street
Philadelphia
The most beautiful bar in Philadelphia commanding beautiful vintage go-go. Tonight you’ll hear great old funk & soul for the girls to shake their money makers too.
Site

The Casualties, Toxic Holocaust, Night Birds, Combat Crisis
Thursday 6:30pm
Barbary
951 Frankford Ave
Philadelphia, PA
$15
Punk’s not dead, it just smells that way, along with the smell of dirty feet and stale beer, Hershey squirts, tacos and the Casualties.
Site

Mostly Maybe, The Gallerist, East AM
Thursday 8pm
Northstar Bar
2639 Poplar Street
Philadelphia, PA
$8
If you took 20 gallons of patchouli and boiled it down to a pin head, you would have these guys. I’m specifically putting this in to see if Mr. Black’s head explodes. As the Colonel said to Private Joker “We’ve gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.”
Site

Phone Home, This Temper
Thursday 9pm
The M Room
15 W. Girard
Philadelphia, PA
$8
The Native New York instrumental pop-duo creates rhythmically driving, atmospheric blah blah blah more pills please.
Site

Bob & Barbara’s Drag Show
Thursday 11:00 pm
Bob & Barbara’s Lounge
1509 South St.
Philadelphia, PA
$7
The dirtiest bar in Philly with the dirtiest drag queens. Lisa lisa has tits that are real. Some how I feel like that should disqualify her as the host. They look nice though.

Obits, Fists, The Homophones
Thursday 8pm
Johnny Brenda’s
1201 Frankford Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
$12
A lineup that manages to use the words “Lo-Fi” in their press blurb at least four times. Did I already make any pill jokes today?
Site

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Submit your event listing to Swellco & Swellco’s Go Underground Philadelpia HERE

Photo courtesy of http://www.satanskinder.com

And by satanic sodomy bash we mean festive holiday revue

A few weeks ago we suspended our event listings because everyone wanted to get drunk over the holidays. We had been attending and writing about events that were featured in our listings and it wasn’t clear if we should continue or not now that the listings stopped.

I decided, fuck it. I wanted to go check out the The Extraordinaires Holiday Revue anyway so I might as well write about it. I had no idea it was going to be such an ordeal.

First off, the doorman gives me a hard time because I didn’t have an I.D.
Wheat Toast “Look, I have grey in my beard, obviously I’m over 21.”
Doorman “That is clearly a fake Santa beard.”
Wheat Toast “Come on, I’m old enough. I already bought a beer for fuck sake.”
Doorman “You just pulled that out of your pocket.”
Wheat Toast “I’m a member of the press. I have to see the Extraordinaires Holiday Revue to write about it.”
Doorman “You realize you that you’re at McGlinchey’s, right?”

Clearly this clown wasn’t going to play ball. So I went with Plan B: Go to correct venue.

But then the cab driver tried to butt fuck me with his mind. I mean that literally. I have an almost extra keen sensory perception when it comes to people secretly wanting to butt fuck me. As we drove the cabbie repeatedly looked into his rear view mirror and I had no doubt that he was leering and crawling his imagination all over my sexy anus. No matter how tight I clenched my ass, I knew his mind was in there. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and started screaming and he threw me out of the cab.

So there I was stranded in front of 30th Street Station with time and space taunting me as the warm festive jaunty antics of the Extraordinaires went on across town.

However, later I was kinda glad I didn’t go. Word on the street from me pretending to have been there is that the show took a really dark turn. Apparently things got out of hand and they butchered a live goat. Also, another rumor I just made up is that the singer from Man Man was sodomized on stage. Seriously?

Be sure to check out the Extraordinaires site for more of their zany fun.

-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c

photos courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/theextraordinaires