Swellco2000.com’s own lovable Uncle Wheat Toast (Swellco & Swellco 54239c) claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Swellco & Swellco thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.

And your little monkey too.

DEAR UNCLE TOAST:
A few months ago, I met the gynecologist of my dreams and was lucky enough to be examined by him. “Dr. Mike” is intelligent, caring, loving, witty, romantic and a great doctor. Every exam he tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful. So what’s the problem? Dr. Mike weighs 80 pounds more than he did when I first became his patient. I thank God for him every single day, but the stirrups feel cold. Don’t get me wrong. The pap-smears come back normal, but I hate his huge ass and the dead monkey he displays in a jar next to the examination table.  I worry about how his disgusting monstrous fat ass might be affecting my children, and I contemplate cutting him with a knife. Also last week, I accidentally ate a moldy piece of bread, that is the hardest thing for me to deal with. Am I being petty when I tell you I’d give anything to burn him alive along with that dead monkey?
- NOT READY FOR CHILDREN

DEAR NOT READY FOR CHILDREN,
In the 1950s, “success” for girls was defined as marrying early and drinking Vodka. Since then, more women have jobs and careers, and tend to fixate on dead monkeys. You need to be very concerned about the moldy bread. Satan may be growing an evil mold garden in your guts that will spawn flesh devouring maggots. Also, go where like-minded people gather: graduate school, special-interest clubs, volunteer organizations, square dancing, church or a political-action group. Now I leave you with a gratuitous booty dance
-Uncle Wheat Toast Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is?
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
or call the Uncle Wheat Toast Help-Line (571) 31-TOAST /86278