Mama should have fed me the living bits of me bullies.

I don’t want to go outside. Am I a hermit?…not exactly. I go out, I hear someone speak, I cringe. I go out, I see someone walking, I cringe. I go out to buy home supplies/ food/ whatever, I see someone walking through the store texting (while walking, without even looking up) I cringe and have to jab myself in the thigh with a steak knife to keep myself from plowing into their Cro-magnon skull with the whole force of my soul. Yet I enter into my humble house, and smell the fresh air of the alpine atmosphere. I am taken away from the dank swill of our “fine” city”. I am fucked, I give birth to myself, live a full life, and die peacefully, in the comfort of home. Now I need to have this gargantuan bust of a slobbering parasitic blue-black beast.

In my home is a thick collection of comics. In fact, it is only one half of my bounty. The other half is hidden within an impenetrable underwater cave, guarded over by a massive-beaked octopus. Her name is Vrotzely. I continue to read these and obsess over the villains…I LOVE VILLAINS. Should unbelievable powers be bestowed upon me, you are all dead. But since my small youth size, I have almost looked up to venom. This fucker is one sick sonofabitch…if done right. He started as a pissed off vagabond journalist, with a shitty wife. On the verge of killing himself, he “took in” a wandering lonely symbiotic alien organism that was cast off by a cock-sucking photo-dipshit who liked “spidders”. He then killed many people, had a cool way of changing clothes, and eventually gave birth to a shitton of other beasts. Even in one comic, he became T-Rex covered in violent black-and-white goo. Bitchin’. These days Marvel has whored-off that character to any other uninteresting character. As if that screw-up wasn’t enough, a person who didn’t even like the character, put a ridiculously shitty version in his last shitty movie of a boring shitty character. But I still hold the original version close.

Now, the completely rad-as-fuck makers of every kind of sweet-3d expensiveness, Sideshow Collectibles, are making a crazy-awesome version of Venom in full size. I have a variety of creepy/nasty/violent gear adorning my walls, floors and toilet, but this big bitch will be a true piece-du-resistance. I don’t give a fuck if I bring home a date, and she has trouble not losing her shit, realizing I AM the guy who likes this crazy stuff. In fact, sometimes women are more entertaining when they are vomiting and pulling their hair out. Greeeeeaaaat! If I had my way, I would cover my living space with heads of friends (painted silver) , that though disembodied, could still chat with me and shut the fuck up. Hell, even Pottery Barn sells some black-lodge type shit, so I KNOW I’m onto something.

I know Im not the only one with “certain” fixations. Im not saying we should all meetup, though. I imagine that would be like feeding Sloth a bowl full of awkward and telling him its a good idea to go out for sushi with his mothers bloody undercrusties. I get it. But we should all raise our glasses to the idea of a viciously depressing, musty champagne jam. Preferably party of this “jam” will involve raising money for me to purchase this blood-poop inducing bust. That mofo is waaaaaay expensive, but worth it.

“Nuff Said”.
Nave Zepol (Swellco & Swellco 3325b)

Photos courtesy of http://www.sideshowtoy.com

Tom feels passionate about the Swellco & Swellco mission.

Because they’re so important to us and to our creating a positive experience for our customers, we’ll let a few members of our staff introduce themselves. Today we’d like to introduce Sales Rep. Thomas C. Gordon (Swellco & Swellco 50042b)

Thomas C. Gordon (Swellco & Swellco 50042b) is one of Swellco & Swellco’s top  sales reps, having met or surpassed every single Swellco & Swellco sales quota during his 3 year stint with the company. Tom’s background is as uniquely Swellco & Swellco as Tom himself. He claims he was born through the unholy union between a minor dog demon from the outer ring of hell and a disease carrying reesis monkey. He grew up in the suburbs of South Jersey where he spent his days skate boarding with his pals, watching movies, breakdancing and developing a taste for cat litter. After having graduated top of his class at Rutgers with a MBA, he jumped right on board with Swellco & Swellco. Tom has never killed anyone, and it shows in the gentle intricacies of his sales pitch. “I’m a poet and I know it.” says Tom. Who could disagree?