Swellco2000.com’s own lovable Uncle Wheat Toast (Swellco & Swellco 54239c) claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Swellco & Swellco thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.

Crack thieves will not be tolerated

DEAR UNCLE TOAST
My daughter is 22 and starting to want to wear makeup. She never used to be much of a tart and used to prefer playing with chickens over doing “girly” things. She wore makeup to the trailer park last weekend, and her father was very drunk. He threatened to call “Pooky, King of the Mind Monkeys” if her whore ass stole his crack. She tells me kids are making comments about her because she plays with chickens and doesn’t smoke enough crack or wear makeup. She seems so down. Uncle Toast, I don’t see anything wrong with her smoking crack once in a while. I know I did when I was a whore ass and I never had to live in fear of mind monkeys.
-STRESSED IN PRISON

DEAR STRESSED IN PRISON
Get a cold 40 of Old E for your husband, because I have news for him. His little girl is growing up, and right on schedule. Now, I don’t know how much makeup your daughter wore to the the trailer park, but if she’s stealing crack she needs to be set straight. I would suggest a stern beating with a coat hanger while squealing like a pig as you attack her. Her primitive mind will associate stealing crack with farm animals. I would also say that you need to have a serious talk with you husband about his threats. Bringing mind monkeys into your life is no light matter. If set loose in your home, the mind monkeys could easily bore into your daughter’s brain and feed on her dreams and thoughts for up to 3000 days and nights. Just remember Stressed in Prison, whether it be makeup, smoking crack, coat hanger beatings or mind monkeys; moderation is the key.
And now a gratuitous nudie dance.
-Uncle Wheat Toast Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Join us on Twitter