Respect comes in the form of large metal dildos.

A few years ago, an old and honest friend of mine cut his dick off. A few months back, my uncle, Dem Parlingus, cut his dick off. A few weeks ago, the skunk-badger that took up residence in my neighbors derelict Pontiac Cubanidra, cut its dick like lump of animal sex organs off. Do you see a pattern here? I’ll be the first to tell you all these events, besides being the simple/complex/gruesome act of pee-pee hari kiri, were all completely accidental, dumb, and related. The missing components are as follows.

Now I, like few other still living intelligent people without any sign of digital connection, can clearly see the olde-fashioned need create thine own path is still strong. Lonely? Beg the email nanny to find you a boy or girl just like you, but with a purpose and an appealing face. Hungry? Then make a burger just like the steaming fake one on tv, and make it cheeeeesy, bitch! However, if you are one of those who thinks, or really wants to make completely unnecessary bladed weapons just like the Elves or Cimmerians, then you need to hang your Bing-bong or Chilly-Dong out the window with a cinder block hanging from its inevitable piercing. Most people cut themselves on their cereal spoons…I’ll allow that completely real info to sink in for a moment…ok. That being said, most humans are incapable of understanding an iota of the “Riddle of Steel”. For whatever reason, people still go ahead and write in “Battle-axe” on the dotted line at the bottom of the woodshop/free-time project list. There are the rare occasions that some genius gets it right, melting down his mummy’s silverware. But even then, he pulls it out to show his girl how badass his mind-puke is, and ends up leaving her bereft of one nipple. In EVERY other case, that weaponer-for-a-day ends up cutting off some mommy or daddy nerf.

With that down, there is only one more reason  people lop off their butterstick butts, and that is plain old “bein’ dumb”. To illustrate this simple idea, I dug up the children’s story to teach how not to be a fuck-up. Originally it was published in a correctional facility for foul-mouthed toddlers, and written By Simon Bernard Cogswell De-Montitharb blarthe.

“Patricia and Kel walked along the frothy shore, accompanied by officer Blarke. Despite his looming shadow, the lil lovebugs kept on along, counting the waves and dreaming of the times when Kel had not unintentionally impregnated Patty with his daddies workglove-sheathed digits bedazzled in his lovey-leavings…then blaming the mixup on his terminally ill cousin who dropped damn-dead from sadness over the shame it brought him. The weather was so cheery, officer Blarke became nervous the two would forget their idiocy and continue being dumb dicks. At these moments, he would pull on the barbed-wire wrapped tight around their legs, violently tripping them up. “Look to far into the sun, and your gonna forget what its like to be life’s dogshit kiddies! So eyes forward and walk straight you sick fucks!”

The story is short and a bit old-fashioned, but still rings like church-bells in the conscience minds of smarty lil brats. So remember, one and all: if you want to make a sharp brilliant weapon, look in the mirror and tell your mind to shut the hell up. Just buy a Chinese War Sword
made by the skilled hands at Cold Steel. They paid me in scalps. I don’t turn down that kind of sweet wampum.

From the mind-bind of Uncle Awkward (Swellco & Swellco 22309c)

Check out Their Site, to prove I ain’t funnin’.

Sandwiches, diapers, unopened mail…Its all possible again

High schools are bereft of attitude.

Photos Courtesy of: http://fuckyeahswords.tumblr.com/page &
http://fuckyesskywardsword.tumblr.com

When you’re a die-hard adrenaline junkie and constant thrill-seeker… it’s hard not be be jaded with most so-called nightlife.

C’mon, I work for Swellco & Swellco.You know, the office where obscene freak-show antics are the equivalent water cooler banter.  I’ve seen side show upon side show, block-head upon block-head, fire breather upon fire breather…

So what’s so special about Phantasmagoria Circus?

Well for starters, they’re really good looking. I know that’s shallow, but other than Betty Bloomerz of Squidling Bros. (girl crush), most of these side show folks – while charming – aren’t so nice to to look at. Ringmaster Alejandro DuBois? Hot. Aerialist Mariana Mystique? Hot. Fire-eater-hula-performer-stilt-walker-burlesque-dancer MacKenzie Moltov? Hot. Daredevil Joe Lunchbox? Uh.. Entertaining.

Not too mention their choice of venue here in Philly, Bookspace, is a pretty amazing place to showcase their acts. Imagine a giant warehouse full of  books, stacked higher than your head, whilst clowns and freaks dance with fire… realizing a wrong move could – in theory – bring about a holocaust of paper and flame.

Check out the video below for more, or if you’re in or near Philly check them out tonight, August 5th at Bookspace on Frankford Avenue.

-Felicia Jackson
Swellco & Swellco 22397b

Not  your thing? Check out more stuff to do in Swellco & Swellco’s Go Underground Philly

Photos Courtesty of Phantasmagoria Circus Side Show

Ever feel like it’s all just a big joke? Like every time you think you’ve got an escape, the door slams back in your face? You are tired of being laughed at, tired of being the joke. There are no miracles, there is no magic, Not in THIS reality.

The future is now. This is as good as it gets and it’s not going to get any better again. At Swellco & Swellco, we say, if you are going to die anyway, why even play the game? One reality is just as good as another, so why not submit to the Swellco & Swellco Video Process?

Our consultants are eagerly waiting to assess your needs, earn your trust and feel your pain. We know how hopeless the future looks and we have alternatives to the brutal reality you are forced to endure.

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

Feel like your life is coming up short? You did everything they told you and you are still a disappointment.

At the Video Circus there is no shame. Once you have consciously and subconsciously embraced the subversive subliminal video process, you join a group that does not join groups, you enter a world that does not have limitations because in the Video Circus, nothing is real. Concepts like humility, morality, civility and reality simply do not apply. Here we are all whores. Here we are all carnivores. Here everyone is a martyr, a bully, a coward and a king. We are gluttonous and feast on the milk and breads of virgin angels. Our Circus never ends.

You know it’s time and you know you have nothing to loose. A soul carries no currency if it’s already damned.

Mayan Calendars, the Book of Revelations, Nostradamus… these days, everyone is talking about the end of the world.  Maybe it’s so, maybe it’s not. But one thing is clear: it’s all going to shit. We can’t tell you if the world is going to end for sure, but we can tell you the empire is falling. At the Swellco & Swellco, we believe Nero had it right. That smoke is getting thick, so fiddle fiddle fiddle.

dec·a·dent

1 : marked by decay or decline
2 : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of the decadents
3 : characterized by or appealing to self-indulgence <decadent pleasures>

— dec·a·dent·ly adverb

Don’t you think it’s time to run off and join the Circus?

Be the country of “me” till the very end.

Photos courtesy of you-need-satan.tumblr.com

Power to the flesh

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

“We’re not even on drugs.”

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

Just relax and let it happen.

Preceding clip is either an extended segment, excerpt or alternate version from portions of various episodes of the Swellco & Swellco Video Circus.

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

“I don’t even like clowns”

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.

Photos courtesy of http://fuckyeahsexanddrugs.tumblr.com