My dear friends and enemies, allow me to air my grievances for this past holiday season, and complain about what I didn’t get that I really wanted. I asked Santa for a lot of AWESOME SHIT this past year… and Santa (read: my mom) thought that “it was all junk” and that “I should grow up and get a real job and stop prancing around like a slutty cockroach and stop sacrificing things to satan…” blah blah blah, shut up. This is MY time, and MY airing of grievances. The Pet Petter I asked for? Brilliant! No, I don’t actually have any pets… but there are plenty of feral cats in scenic Kensington, Philadelphia that I feel are being neglected by the the crackheads that try to feed them curdled milk out of dirty syringes every day. I also asked for Handerpants, because I figured that would be a unique way to make everyone on the el feel uncomfortable every day, and thus, make my life better. A little skid mark goes a long way if it’s smudged on your hands that inexplicably have underwear on. Again, brilliant. I asked for a Super Armored Fighting Suit, one of Al Farrow’s gun metal reliquaries to keep my pet centipedes in, and even a bright pink Gay Empire Suckadelic action figure. I figured my mom would like the pretty pink storm trooper. Nope, didn’t get one of them.

Of course, I asked for some clothes too, figuring she would rather have me clothed than be naked, like on the internet… but to no avail. For example, I demanded to be bought no less than three t-shirts from this store, which is the new edition to one of my favorite tumblr accounts. “Where the hell do you find this stuff?” my mom asked, when I threw myself down at her legs and begged for his pixelated baphomet shirt. It was then that I realized… I don’t know where I found this shit. I have been following the NoirLac tumblr account for about a year now, obsessed with his (?) pixelated wonders and fun retro gifs. The problem is that I have no idea who this person is, where he is from, how he makes his work, nothing.  Is the site a collaboration of submissions from multiple pixel artists, or is it all one guy? Why is it, that “When Kevin Wins, The Planet loses?” All I know is that I LOVE it, and now that he has a store, I must own his shirts.

Check out his tumblr site here, and if anyone knows any more about this mysterious pixel god, PLEASE let me know.

-Louise LaTease
Swellco & Swellco 13493a

Photos courtesy of http://noirlac.tumblr.com

Praise the lord

I was told that as a new writer for S&S it was my “Chore” to write about Christmas today. Christmas is AWESOME, it’s the day our lord was born into this world to deliver us into salvation. What’s NOT to love about that? This is a great day for family and loved ones to gather around and remind each other to be humble. Be very, very humble.

I’m here at my Family’s house. The parents are getting along which is nice. Mother is drunk and it’s only noon. Ha, ha, that’s nice too I guess. I’m staying out of there way because tensions can get a little high around here and well I don’t want to cause any trouble.

I dropped a  bowl of jello on the floor and things got a little ugly. I’m pretty clumsy some times. Clumsy and stupid I’m told. Oh the holidays…

Gene Hollyweather (Swellco & Swellco 23381b)

Photos courtesy of http://mycreepysanta.com

Why does this make me horny?

I’ve been drinking egg nog and eating sticky buns  all day. I made the egg nog myself. Here is my receipt for the egg nog.

James is Drunk Nog
Ingredients:
Whiskey
Egg
Candy Cain

Prepare
Pour 3 ounce of Powers whiskey into a cup. crack an egg into cup. Stir with a candy cain.

De-licious.

I also wrote a Christmas song about these lovely new Motorbot Xmas custom toys over at Dead Bear Studios.  I call the song Sing This Song, Buy A Christmas Slug, Stick It In Your Butt.

Sing This Song, Buy A Christmas Slug, Stick It In Your Butt
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
Treature Claus, looks like a butt hole that’s teething;
 Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
Treature Claus, looks like a butt hole that’s teething;
How angry would my sister be
If her son, received one of these from me!
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
Treature Claus looks like a butt hole that’s teething!

Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
These hand painted sculpts, are so freaky;
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
These hand painted sculpts, are so freaky:
Christmas sentiment makes me choke for air
Except when Deadbear paints monster teeth and hair
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
These hand painted sculpts, are so freaky!

Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
My herpe sores, are not healing;
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
My herpe sores, are not healing;
That Thai hooker gave head, that had me coming back
It took me a while to notice, she still had a sack
Oh Christmas Slug! Oh Christmas Slug!
My herpe sores, are not healing!

All power to dead baby Jesus day! Hail dead baby Jesus for he was born and did shit and now we get presents. Cool presents like these Dead Bear Studios Resin Sculpts that you can buy here. (And stick in your butt.)

- Jimi Jam
Swellco & Swellco #23234b

Photos courtesy of http://deadbear.limitedpressing.com/

Holy Hebus Jebus on a Crucifux! Just look at that frickan knife!

I can not see how anyone can watch that commercial video and not get fully erect immediately (And ladies, don’t tell me them nips ain’t hard).  That fucking thing slices a pigs head off like butter on a piss-warm summer day!

It’s like I’m 8 years old and Christmas is 2 weeks away; I’m seriously going to lose my shit if I don’t have a Cold Steel Gurka Kukri.

“Hear those ribs break? EFFORTLESS PENETRATION!”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

I’m buying this shit right fucking now.

-Jimi Jam
Swellco & Swellco #23234b

People forget who Christmas is really for, it’s for the CHILDREN. Those fun loving tikes are just learning the difference between right and wrong  and they’re just learning who lil’ baby Jesus is. So to celebrate this holy of holy days, I’m presenting my favorite child poem about Christmas for the good kids out there. For the naughty ones, I’m presenting our hottest of hotties Kurtis, doing her Krampus the Christmas Demon dance.

Baby’s First X-mas!

You have to hold him up to see
The angel on the Christmas tree.
And even though he’s still too small
To know the meaning of it all
You watch his eyes reflect the glow
Of colored lights that come and go
And feel him quiver with delight
At every new and wondrous sight.
There’s Santa with his jolly face
Beaming from the fireplace.
And from the stocking hanging there
Peeks a cuddly teddy bear.
Bright ornaments and candy canes –
Musical toy and wooden trains –
There’s just no end to the delights
Spread out for him this night of nights!
He points and grins from ear to ear
And then he yawns – his bedtime’s near!
Dad gives him a kiss and you tuck him away
To rest up for the fun of his first Christmas Day!

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos Courtesy of R.E. Brown

Krampus is going to get you

I hate Christmas.

I hate the cold weather and the snow. I hate the contagious pseudo-cheer spread through the mind numbing constant barrage of holiday songs. I hate negotiating the social minefield of buying or not buying presents for friends, coworkers, extended family and random associates, who may buy or not buy presents for you  And I hate that fat fuck Santa Claus.

When I was a young child, this time of year wasn’t merely a time for anticipating Santa and his gifts… It was more so a time to be on the look out for Krampus “the Claw” and stealer of children.

Both my Father and Grandmother (Oma) who lived with us were born in rural Germany. Every year around this time they would regale me of tales of a horned unspeakable demon creature who would accompany Santa and ‘take care of the bad kids’. And by ‘take care of’ they didn’t mean leave  you a lump of coal. Krampus would apparently steal you from your family in burlap sack, beat you with sticks and then dump you in the river. My parental units even conspired to have my uncle dress up like a demon and scare the bejesus out of me now and again. As Christmas approached closer I would try to amass secret make-shift weapon caches and hide them in my room in order defend myself, not sleeping much until after Christmas had passed. The day I found out Santa did not exist was one of the happiest days of my childhood, because it also meant Krampus did not exist… and also that I would not be drowning in a river that year.

Needless to say, one day my eventual progeny will be experiencing the psychological terror that is Krampus. I’ll probably even help them build their own anti-Krampus munitions and devices.

-Mr. Black
Swellco & Swellco 12124a

In rural areas of Bavaria, Austria & Hungary young men dress up as the Krampus in the first two weeks of December, particularly on the evening of 5 December, and roam the streets frightening children with rusty chains and bells.^[1] In some rural areas the tradition also includes birching – corporal punishment with a birch rod – by Krampus, especially of young girls. Images of Krampus usually show him with a basket on his back used to carry away bad children and dump them into the pits of Hell.

The Gods can not help you.
The Police can not help you
The Tooth Fairy can not help you
Rolling the dice can not help you
Cinnabon can not help you
Self affirmationcan not help you
All those meds can not help you
More insurance can not help you
Getting another one in the sack cannot help you.
New shoes can not help you

Create
Subvert
Dominate
Swellco & Swellco

Create
Subvert
Dominate
Swellco & Swellco

Photos courtesy of culturetrash.tumblr.com

The Swellco & Swellco Staff wish you and yours the warmest seasons greetings.

The caring staff of Swellco & Swellco’s Subversive Subliminal Messaging Test Division would like to take a moment to offer you, our reader and consumer test subject, our fondest, most heart felt wishes and sentiment during this glorious and loving holiday season. We hope you and your loved ones the best.

“Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years. Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.”
-George Mathew Adams

“A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away;
While quite unselfish, it grows small.”
-Eva K. Logue

“Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again.”
-Grace Noll Crowell

Good news from heaven the angels bring,
Glad tidings to the earth they sing:
To us this day a child is given,
To crown us with the joy of heaven.
-Martin Luther

Love came down at Christmas;
Love all lovely, love divine;
Love was born at Christmas,
Stars and angels gave the sign.
-Christina Rossetti

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah and Blessed Kwanzaa! We will see you back here right after the holidays!