We vow all WRATH parties will be 100% blood and feces free!

After the now (brutally) infamous events of the last Hard Times Party,we vowed to never throw another event again. Jail time and law suits this early in the game would be no fun. But Mr. Black got a memo from Corporate Headquarters informing us that Harold Camping was right. The world IS coming to an end on May 21st, 2011. Our theory is that you can’t get sued or arrested if you are roasting in hell, right?

Black proposed a national project of simultaneous parties to ring in Judgement Day. He was given the green light because everyone thought he was drunk; honestly, no one believed he could pull it off.

Not only did our organizational genius do it, but he set up SEVEN fucking parties in other countries as well. While this ‘end of the world’ party marks Swellco & Swellco’s expansion into an international market, it also marks the end of an era. If Harold Camping is wrong, this will still be the last public party in Philadelphia.

God has a plan and so do we

We want to reassure people who may be afraid to attend a Swellco & Swellco party, especially after overhearing several stories from the last events. Therefore, here at Swellco & Swellco, we emphatically make the following promise:

WE GUARANTEE THAT ALL SWELLCO & SWELLCO WRATH END TIMES PARTIES WILL BE BLOOD AND FECES FREE.* WE ALSO PROMISE THAT STAFF AT ALL 13 PARTIES WILL DO EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO PREVENT LIVE SODOMY FROM OCCURRING ON ANY STAGE.

We are a company that stands by it’s word and we will do everything in our power to make guests feel safe and bio hazard free before God banishes them to eternal damnation.

Tomorrow, starting with Buenos Aires, we will begin posting details  on all of these extremely cool parties going on May 20th. If you can’t wait, be sure to check out the WRATH website here.

-R.E. Brown Philadelphia
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

*In significant amounts. Legally defined as 2 oz. or more, 1 oz. or more  in Norway.

Always the office crack up, that’s Louise.

Because they’re so important to us and to our creating a positive experience for our customers, we’ll let a few members of our staff introduce themselves. Today we’d like to introduce systems administrator, Louise L’tease (Swellco & Swellco 13493a).

When Louise joined Swellco & Swellco in 2008 as a  System’s Administrator, she wanted to work in a challenging, fast-paced environment and be part of an exciting company on the leading edge of sinister mind control practices. Well, she got her wish. And it doesn’t hurt that, according to Louise, “blood sacrifice rocks.” All those long hours and dead animals paid off. Louise has recently been promoted to Artistic Director of the Swellco &  Swellco Community Outreach Division. For Louise, working here brings new and exciting challenges every day. Before selling us her soul, she spent 5 years in a mental hospital in New Jersey where she ate pudding. Prior to that she slept in a Baltimore ditch and battled trolls for a year. Louise has also gained significant technology experience working for Rackspace Managed Hosting in San Antonio as a Linux System Administrator and at Lockheed Martin’s Consolidated Space Operations Contract at the Johnson Space Center as a Jr. System Administrator. She loves soft cheese, stepping on cockroaches and line dancing. Also, during her days off, she stalks high school boys as human prey.

Louise is competing in the Employee of the Month Contest

Are you down for the cause?

Being responsible for the conceptualization and management of Baphomet’s Celebrity Birthday Bash Masquerade Dance Party & Emergency Preparedness Drill was simultaneously a thankless and rewarding endeavor. Like most bosses in our line of work, the dark overseers are rare to show appreciation for our ceaseless toil behind the curtains. It must be enough for one to find satisfaction in simply watching his (or her) depraved ruminations come to life.

And, while the Ritual Killing of Glenn Beck’s pinata was certainly planned to be a highlight of the evening, the event I was looking forward to most was the first Swellco & Swellco “Anything Goes – No Talent Contest”.

Unfortunately, with the limited budget corporate affords us, one of the biggest challenges we face on a daily basis is managing the fair amount of creative and enthusiastic degenerates who wish to participate in our work.  The “Anything Goes – No Talent Contest” was my effort to allow some of these stars to shine.

Truth be told, the inspiration for this contest was born 15-16 years prior. In the early nineties in the heart of the lower east side of New York, I was a regular attendee and amateur performer at what was generally considered to be one of the the most decadent club nights that ever existed, “Trip & Go Naked”.  Held at the Pyramid Club, whose clientèle boasted of squatter punks, drag queens, skinheads, Hell’s Angels and everything in between; any given night was sure to include vagina flame-throwers, gratuitous bloodletting, transvestite bingo, etc. The climax of the night was the “What will you do for $50 Contest?”

At the time, I had been a squatter living amongst the Mole People in an abandoned controller’s office inside of an Amtrak tunnel underneath Riverside Park.  Money was tight, and $50 could get me through the week. On the first night attending the party, I was hungry for cash and, just before last call on performers I informed Mistress Otter – the hostess of ceremonies – of my ‘act’. Taking an empty beer bottle, I instructed her to swiftly break it over my head. There was a shower of glass, a stream of blood, a roar of applause and in an instant, I was $50 bucks richer. This continued for 2 months or so as I became known as ‘The Bottle Guy’ winning week after week, breaking probably no less than 25 bottles over my head and donating at least a pint of blood to the Pyramid’s floor over the course of the summer. My ‘theatrical’ dominance was only ended by two very attractive dykes who basically culminated their toy-assisted public fornication with mutual golden showers on stage.*

And so it was with high hopes and this spirit in mind, that I looked forward to the “Anything-Goes-No-Talent Contest”. The pressing question in my mind was “Fifteen years later, would another debauched generation step up to the plate?” And to be honest, after the first two entries for the contest performed that evening, I was sadly under the impression they would not.

However, it was with the third contestant that the torch of degradation was passed, when a young man in a wolf furry costume came triumphantly forward and demanded to have “Swellco” carved in his back with a knife. Offering his very own flesh and blood for the entertainment and  pleasure of our dark lords /corporate masters, he allowed a very lovely and drunk blade-wielding vixen to violently etch our trademark in his back winning the $50 and our admiration. Now that’s brand loyalty. If you missed the moment, I’ll just say it was a very emotional and heart warming scene for all who attended and we’ll be sure to continue the tradition at our next event. But for now, you may enjoy the photo’s below.

-Mr. Black
Swellco & Swellco 12124a

* True Story, Bro