What the fuck are we going to do with all these nasty Lamar Smith pics?

Ever have plans go horribly wrong? Louise forwarded me a list of obscure holidays to celebrate because I was bitching about being bored with the normal ones. Some old geezer in the 70′s who no one remembers came up with a holiday no one acknowledges called National Do Nothing Day. It was a national holiday that celebrates the fact that there are no national holidays on that particular day and request that you do nothing about that fact and if you so choose, do nothing at all. No wonder no one remembers to celebrate it. The act of doing so effectively nullifies the spirit of the day.

Of course I don’t have time to just do nothing. I’m the HNIC who is about the business of TCB and had big plans for today. My goal was to spend several hours making shitty half assed photoshopped collages of Douche Bag Texas Senator (I know, a redundant phrase) Lamar Smith’s head superimposed on she males, bukkake girls, moneys and all kinds of other low brow, toilet humor fun that we can indulge in down here in the underground. But then the SOPA bill was suddenly killed. Out of the blue like a bolt of whiskey, I had nothing to do on National Do Nothing Day.

This made me really happy in that, I never have nothing to do.
Then I realized that this year MLK holiday had fallen on the day that celebrates not having a holiday fall on it.

Then I realized the PIPA bill was still alive and well. Guess Orin Hatch’s head has a date with a goat fucking tranny’s body.  So much for a vacation.

PIPA is every bit as grotesque as SOPA, so lets see that one fall as well, Mmmkay?

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of http://workshoperotica.tumblr.com & http://gunsoverknives.tumblr.com

Serengeti as Kenny-Bears, Hawks, Sox, Bulls

Like everyone else at swellco & Swellco, I’m down with the bling bling, booty shaking, pop a cap in a fool aspects of hip hop. But the whole Rick Ross, Lil’ Wayne air horn blaring finely honed corporate club thing gets old. In all honesty, hip hop has needed some fresh sounds for a long, long time, and like we’ve said before, it tends to be a music genre of artists who follow instead of lead.

Enter Serengeti, I saw him open up for Why? a couple of months ago and LOVED the show. It reminds me of some of the Del/Dan the Automator/Kool Keith indie shit of the late 90′s early 00′s in that he doesn’t sound like every other fucking MC coming out right now.

His new record with co rapper Polyphonic which is released by Anticon is fantastic, but I included three great solo videos. The first two are performed as his stash wearing, brat eating, Bulls loving Chicago working man alter ego Kenny. The last one “I Don’t Know” is one of the best, most subtle EMO bashing videos of all time.

What? I can’t just write a normal post about something? It’s always gotta be fucking animals and huffing glue all the time? Seriously fuck off.

Oh, but before you do, be sure to check out his site

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of http://www.myspace.com/serengetiandpolyphonic

We’ve written a lot about the socialization of art and it’s warped outcome and we’ve featured some doozies on here as examples. Dragons Fucking Cars, Centaur Pinups and of course my favorite… the Face Hugger Fetish.

But if you find the Alien movie franchise face huggers to be a source of warped sexual creative energy, then it only makes sense that you would eventually sense that you would move on to the fetishizing the famous space terror xenomorph itself.
After all, everyone knows that when it comes to space faring bestiality fantasy art, face huggers are really just a gateway drug.

“Is that an armored, spiked, acid dripping, flailing tail in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

-Annette Garcia
Swellco & Swellco 54823a

Dear Lords of Iniquity and International Finance,

Okay, I know this ongoing debate regarding our corporate anti-bestiality policy must be getting old with you. To recap,  sexy spider-play is okay because spiders aren’t really animals. Big schlonged tiger strippers are okay so long as no physical contact occurs. Facehugger fuckery is NOT okay because face huggers are technically under-age and have a tendency towards non-consensual impregnation.

The question we’ve debating at the water cooler… what about hot chicks who’ve been genetically engineered to look like centaurs?

STOP! I know you’re thinking “Nope, they’re part horse!” But here’s the beauty of the situation… ABSOLUTELY NO FUR, NO HORSE DNA. NADA.  Just 100% natural human DNA engineered to create humans who happen to be shaped like centaurs.

That cool? Because it’s totally hot.

I know you guys are busy with that whole human enslavement project, but if you could get back at me ASAP, I’d appreciate it.

- Jimi Jam
Swellco & Swellco #23234b

Slut

I’m directly taking issue with the twisted  Miss Tease and her last blog post.  Clearly there is some freakish manimal lust she barely contains inside those cantaloupe melon butt cheeks of hers. Swellco & Swellco has very strict rules against bestiality. She should know this. we were forced to spent 12 hours freezing our ass off, handing out “Bestiality is not a Victimless Crime” pamphlets on the streets of Mapleshade New Jersey last March. I think the “NO FUCKING ANIMALS” sign outside the employee restroom is pretty clear. But this new furry craze that these kids are all into today is really just a thinly veiled, covert bestiality. A loophole to get at a horse’s cornhole.

Miss Tease is playing with fire. We all know too painfully well what happens when you start dressing up like a donkey for bus stop glory hole bukkake. Pooky, King of the Evil Mind Monkeys will swoop down with his rabid festering Mind Monkey Minions and begin spitting crazy juice all over your brain meat. Miss Tease’s brain meat is all too bruised as it is.

There is an answer to Miss Tease’s sick, sick perversion, and as the advice columnist of this site, I feel it’s my duty to save her job, and her sanity before it’s too late.

Unicorns. They aren’t real, and if it’s not real, Mr. Black can’t write out a disciplinary action for humpin’ one. I think Miss Tease needs a magical horse wand up her pooper to cure what ails her. (And then share the tape at the next staff potluck.)  It’s not a crime in watching  two white mythical stallion’s banging hooves in a turnpike Motel 6. Or for that matter, in watching  a cyclops jerk his meat at the YMCA shower after paying him $10 in quarters. Or in letting a troll pee on your chest because she’s drunk and thinks it’s funny…

-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is? Ask Uncle Toast.
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
or call the Uncle Wheat Toast Help-Line (571) 31-TOAST /86278

Toast loves that Azz!

Toast loves that Azz!

Toast loves that Azz!

shhhh. The party is at the Khyber Pass Pub, 56 S. 2nd street

Vol. 2 Synopsis

The Machine discusses his knife collection with his lady friend Melissa. R.E. Brown appears in a PSA denouncing bestiality. Taxidermy artist Beth Beverly discusses her love of dead art. Mr. Deadguy resides over a friendly game of strip roulette between Charmaine and Louise L’tease. The Machine returns to take Melissa on a tour of his new bachelor pad. Plus a whole lot of subversive mind control video designed to melt your brain out your ears.

The anti-bestiality educational outreach was the Video Circus' first public team building exercise

Photos courtesy of Jim McHugh

Reaching out into the community with organized, purpose based activities will strengthen and bond the ties to your family or team.

Plan age-appropriate recreational activities.

Plan activities that foster the development of family or team members.

Intentionally establish rituals and sex acts that connect family or team members and foster closeness.

Regularly choose challenging activities that stretch each family or team member.

Clarify the purpose of the activity.

Select activities in which participants can acquire a sense of mastery and competence.

Incorporate intellectual and creative elements.

Look for opportunities to promote immoral behavior (e.g., service to the group).

Select activities that will rejuvenate both mind and body.

Keep these basic ideas in mind and the unholy dark lords are sure to reward the efforts of your family or team with unlimited power to corrupt and destroy!

We guess it's not our building to burn

Unfortunately the May 4th Candle Light Vigil and Hip Hop Dance Party has been canceled due to fire safety concerns. The management of Bob & Barbara’s was less than pleased at the prospect of having the Video Circus hand out hundreds of candles and lighters to unruly patrons drunk on Jim Beam and egged on by gangsta rap. Our attempt to ease the concerns by offering to give Uncle Wheattoast an industrial fire extinguisher seemed to only enflame the venues concerns.

Baby Cheezwitts is still in a state of agitated agoraphobia after being targeted by anti-puppet biggots at the March 9th Ant-Bestiality Educational Outreach.  A new re-conceived benefit will be announced shortly.

In the B &B dungeon, Video Circus stars Mr. Deadguy, Miss Rose, Louise L'tease, Miss Key

On March 9th, Swellco & Swellco publicly announced the presence of the Video Circus by reaching out into the community and showing that even cold corporate funded mind control projects can have a heart and make a difference in the community they prey upon.

The Anti-Bestiality Community Educational Outreach Charity Mixer and Heavy Metal Dance party as a whole was a raging success. The bar swelled past capacity with a line stretching down the street.

Dj Metal GR/EG did an outstanding job spinning great metal. As an additional bonus, for some inexplicable reason he also choose to flex his Galleger look alike talents arriving complete with giant hammer. (The Bob & Barbara’s staff took his melon at the door)

A bunny suit adorned Uncle Wheat Toast and Bunny Fox Brown engaged the crowd with anti-bestiality fact sheets and horror stories of bestiality culled from today’s headlines.

From left to right staff writers Acid Squid, R.E. Brown, PR Director the Machine & staff writer Uncle Wheat Toast

The Performances were outstanding. After a heart felt introduction to the evening by Louise L’tease, Miss Key and Uncle Wheat Toast, the madness began.

Needles Jones told a touching story about how he found his first boy crush engaged in intercourse with a goat and then jumped into a three song set including the crowd chanting favorite “Pig Fucker” and his new song “Bestiality, don’t do it” written specifically for the event.

Miss Key came out in a (faux) fur dress and took it all off, only after partially consuming a real cow heart.

Mr. Dead guy brought out Baby Cheesewitts, the corpse baby who also dressed in a bunny suit and they talked to the crowd about where the line should be drawn with pet affections before breaking into song.

Next Miss Rose literally burst onto the stage as a feather adorned voodoo princess and gnawed on chicken.

Louise L’Tease literally shocked the crowd into silence when she did what might be the first ever fury strip tease as she slowly disrobed out of a full bunny suit only to reveal a bikini made of stuffed animals.

Last but not least the extra filthy, extra drunk Dirty Diamond came on stage somewhat unclear on the concept. He trumpeted the joys and importance of gratifying farm animals as an alternative to sex with fat women and then burst into the songs, “I Can’t Fight This Fat Bitch Anymore” and “Girl, get that abortion soon”

Swellco & Swellco Corporate spokesman Dirty Diamond

Unfortunately, the evening did not go without some serious issues.

Immediately following his set, Needles Jones was thrown out of Bob & Barbara’s for briefly passing out in restroom and then attempting to smoke pot at the bar.

Public Relations Director the Machine was slated with the responsibility of providing internal security for an event that had the potential to get out of hand. To insure order was maintained he opted to bring an additional bouncer. Unfortunately they both got shit hammered drunk and provoked a fight with an unsuspecting group of audience members. Being that THEY were the security, nothing was done at the time to quell the altercation. Clearly we have some glitches to fix to ensure our staff does not menace the audience they are meant to protect and entertain.

But this near brawl was not the only act of violence that marred the Swellco & Swellco event. Unfortunately the stand belonging to the lovable Baby Cheeswitts was broken. Clearly this malicious act of vandalism was a direct result of puppet prejudice. Baby Cheeswitts has been severally traumatized and has gone into hiding, his where abouts only known by Mr. Deadguy and his therapist.

Special Thanks to Louise L’tease, Bob Dix and R. E. Brown for conceiving and (dis)organizing such a genuinely bad idea.

Check out the first of several photo sets to come.

Photos courtesy of Alex Ducomb

Sexy

Suspension of disbelief can be applied to all aspects of life.

To be “mentally” reconditioned means that Swellco & Swellco’s Video Circus process “quickens” (or makes alive) our numb mind. When a consumer believes in the process of the Video Circus, trusting us alone to encourage all perversions- then Swellco & Swellco come’s into one’s mind in the form of a new and better reality.