Massage the colon of your mind laddie.

We’re fucked folks. Listing off a comprehensive diagnostic of how, or why this is true, is an absolute waste of time. It would take too long, involve too many daily atrocities (a.k.a. normal, everyday attitudes and habits) and not even begin to dust off the tip of the vicious ramrod taking a running start at our minds asses. That being said, let’s start off with the fact that Van Halen is back…again.

Over time, far passed the years where they were palatable, the Van Halen brothers (Edward and Porcini Mushroom) have attempted to re-package their lazy one-night stand with a variety of different shades of blonde. But this was not enough, as the brothers Halen piss & moaned a brown streak through their careers about each song-puff who lost interest in the masturbation radio game of Van Hoo gives a shit. “Luckily” for them, their first bottle of bronzer has returned to jazzercise around stage.

Now frankly, Im not sure to what end others may agree with me here, but I believe what is going on is pure zombification. The zombie topic has been dragged through movies, television, books and comic books, but no-one has yet to mention the living dead amongst famous songsmiths. Now I would not say that a group of older people playing the same music for ages is a bad thing, not one bit. Look at the Rolling Stones. Like them or not, some keen intelligence keeps reviving them to younger crowds, and the masses soak it up like toxic waste in the lovely ocean water we lap up in summer time. But Van Halen? Their new song “Tattoo” is so obviously a kinkos designed flyer for the “Who gives a fuck, let’s just try and enjoy our shitty marriage” tour. The stones get a new life and somehow seem adopt the attitude of a young White Zombie. Yet Van Halen gets the old neck bolts, and has about the same vitalization of a new Muppets movie (which was basically a snuff film…fact). Therein lies the rub. This Zombification of praised musicians, albeit not always a bad thing, will force blood from thy brains, and push the Doomsday clock minutes closer to boom boom.

So, my point is this: invest your time and energy into covering your windows in dark cellophane, earn money the old fashioned way (by not believing in its existence), and just play the bongos to the tune of the worlds crackling and hissing itself. Cause we’s fucked, y’all.

That is all for now.

Sincerely,
Ahmed Shalizaay (Swellco & Swellco 22321d)

Stop it Grandpa, you’re embarrassing me

I pray every day for it to all end. 

Photos courtesy of http://happyspaztik.tumblr.com & http://fuckyeahthemuppets.tumblr.com

The Evil Corporation is dead, long live the Evil Corporation!

It’s the end of a strange year for Swellco & Swellco. As many of you know, we were getting a lot of buzz and our live events were blowing the doors off of our venues and then we suddenly stopped.  For the last 8 months we’ve kept a low profile which led to a lot of confusion by fans and some dissension inside our ranks.

We shut shit down for a reason, because we knew we were onto a good thing and wanted to make the evil corporation whose motto is “nothing is real” into something very real. We’ve spent these past few months working on the back end, behind the curtains crap that isn’t always fun or glamorous but needed in order to take us to the next level.  Assuming the bible thumpers, conspiracy theorists and shitty movie makers are wrong and the world doesn’t end, this will be the year Swellco & Swellco becomes a house hold name.

And if the bible thumpers, conspiracy theorists and shitty movie makers are right? Fuck it. We’re all going to die someday any way.

FTW,
Imperium Sine Fine,
Happy New Year,

R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of http://www.satanskinder.com & http://meusksetes.tumblr.com

Do you ever question your own recollection of things? Last fall, I was on the train to a house party in Queens and a vagrant sitting next to me puked what smelled like Rumplemintz, pepperoni, and dog shit all over me and my dope Death/Traitors Jacket. That’s not the part I question. It was a very special moment in my life that will always be with me. In my frenzied disgust at being used as a street persons toilet bowl, I ripped the jacket off and threw it away.

Now it’s getting colder out here, I went to track down another Jacket. I swear that when I bought it that Death/Traitors was called Death to Traitors. But Death to Traitors is a rock blog. At first I assumed that there was a copyright dispute and the rock blog won. But from the looks of it Death to Traitors hasn’t posted anything new in 2 years and I bought my jacket last fall. Did my brain just add a “to” to their name?

I could write and ask, but as we have said before, the staff is refusing to “investigate” anything until we start getting paid. Until then I will continue to question my own memory.
“Were they always called Death/Traitors?’
“When did I get this tattoo of Stewie naked with a boner?”
“When did I do that bukkake video?”
The mind is a strange, strange thing.

-Annette Garcia
Swellco & Swellco 54823a

Be sure to check out their site

Photos courtesy of http://www.deathtraitors.com

The Macho Man Randy Savage died for our sins.

So, what happened? As the consumer and employee assets slowly began to drag themselves off the floors all over the world, expecting the planet to look as ruinous as the WRATH party locations, it became clear something was wrong.  Harold Camping seemed to have made a mistake. The S&S Corporate Office was at a loss. What could have changed the course of history? So we do what any good, diligent researchers do- we turned to Google.

A new Facebook Fan Page popped up overnight with an answer that was right in front of our faces the whole time.

RAPTURE AVERTED! The wrath of God has been narrowly averted by the brave sacrifice of MACHO MAN Randy Savage! When Randy heard of our impending destruction, he challenged Jesus to a no holds barred cage match and KICKED HIS ASS!!!??A New Covenant was struck as MACHO MAN Randy Savage ascended to heaven, taking the title of Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Lord of Lords.??We live and breathe today because MACHO MAN Randy Savage so loved the world, he gave his life for ours.??Randy Savage died for your sins, will you live for Him?

We had reported on the Macho Man’s death, but it never occurred to us that Randy would never allow the planet Earth to come to any harm. Saint Savage saved us in death the same way he often saved us in life. Ohhhhhh Yeaaaahhhhh.

If you want to join this new sect of Christianity that reveres Saint Savage, check them out here.

Photos courtesy of Randy Savage died for our sins

Shirt and shoes required before Judgement Day. Pants not so much.

Our second announced WRATH party is a little more informal than our first, but will be just as much fun.

While venues for the WRATH parties in the U.S. have been squirming and wringing their hands over the though of celebrating God’s fiery damnation and judgement of all mankind the night before the world end. (Notably in Austin and our home city Philadelphia) Other countries are embracing a hedonistic finish in a way that makes us want to hop a plane and never come back. Of course if Harold Camping is right, we won’t have to.

On May 20th 2011, Party Promoter Mickey Wiggles is going to be hosting garage punk bikini bottom pizza party at Hell Pizza.

8:00-11:00
Belmont Hell Pizza
167 Lake Road
North Shore
09 445 6660
Auckland New Zealand

DJ’s will be spinning garage punk jams and anyone who comes in wearing a bikini bottom or speedo will get half of any of the Seven Deadly Sins Pizzas and a free soda. At 11:00 the party moves to an undisclosed nearby house party where the party goers will drunkenly sequester themselves while waiting for the end.

Wait, did you say Hell Pizza? Hell Pizza is a real CHAIN of pizza parlors in Australia and New Zealand that features the Mayhem Pizza, the Pandemonium Pizza, the Brimstone and the Damned. This is a pizza franchise decorated with naked devil girls and pentagrams. The U.S. would never have the balls and that’s why God will probably take us first on the 21st.

Check us out on in the promo section of their very bad ass site.

WE GUARANTEE THAT ALL SWELLCO & SWELLCO WRATH END TIMES PARTIES WILL BE BLOOD AND FECES FREE.* WE ALSO PROMISE THAT STAFF AT ALL 13 PARTIES WILL DO EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO PREVENT LIVE SODOMY FROM OCCURRING ON ANY STAGE.

*In significant amounts. Legally defined as 2 oz. or more, 1 oz. or more  in Norway.

Swellco & Swellco is here to make your transition to the other side as painless as possible.

Do you ever wish you could “go back” to your childhood? Longing to “revisit the past?”  When you embrace the Swellco & Swellco Video Process you realize that time is fluid, that your memories are a place and reality is malleable.

“There is a high correlation between the initial cerebral activity pattern (when an individual is shown an image) and the later cerebral activity pattern (when the individual begins to recall the image). This brain activity isn’t localized in a certain place in the brain, it has a very complex pattern – in other words, a certain memory isn’t stored in a certain place, it is a complex combination of reactions. These things suggest that the remembering process is a sort of “mental time travel.”
“When you try to remember something that happened in the past, what you do is try to reinstate your mental context from that event,” said Preta. “If you can get yourself into the mindset that you were in during the event you’re trying to remember, that will allow you to remember specific details. The techniques that we used in this study allow us to visualize from moment to moment how well subjects are recapturing their mindset from the original event.”

-Dr. Santiago Preta Swellco 88666b

You are alone and reading this right now and this moment is real. But in twenty years, it will be a fading recollection that you will have to concentrate and struggle to “get back to.” If. twenty years from now, you forget that you read this, then this moment will cease to exist all together. In the oceans of time, the life boat that is your mind always sinks. In the oceans of time, nothing is real.

Don’t you think it’s time to run away and join the Circus?

Fire can strike with out burning. Such a statement begs a further examination, contextualize the difference between a slap and a caress…an invitation or an act of predation. Either way when a blaze punches the clouds it will spark lust in any man. In some, pyromania (the most insidious of conditions) in others a seductive fear – mixed desire. Regardless, it is something that all are drawn to, a speeding up of time that brings all to it’s end leaving no imprint.

Here in Los Angeles you can feel it in the air. Fire, forgetting, and The End. This city was built for expiration, we eagerly welcome it, look where and how we live! – earthquakes, brush fires, indifferent mudslides, and all of us eager to burn it all down when we get the chance. The Wrath, consciously or unconsciously is anticipated with great desire and it’s vengeance has been egged on. So fuckin’ bring it already, why the hell else would i live on a cliff next to a fault line?  Oh and some more Russian pussy and an eight-ball, maybe I’ll have a few seconds to enjoy the view.

- El Chacal (Swellco & Swellco 2(a-x)=(a-x))

Mayan Calendars, the Book of Revelations, Nostradamus… these days, everyone is talking about the end of the world.  Maybe it’s so, maybe it’s not. But one thing is clear: it’s all going to shit. We can’t tell you if the world is going to end for sure, but we can tell you the empire is falling. At the Swellco & Swellco, we believe Nero had it right. That smoke is getting thick, so fiddle fiddle fiddle.

dec·a·dent

1 : marked by decay or decline
2 : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of the decadents
3 : characterized by or appealing to self-indulgence <decadent pleasures>

— dec·a·dent·ly adverb

Don’t you think it’s time to run off and join the Circus?

Be the country of “me” till the very end.

Photos courtesy of you-need-satan.tumblr.com

As a New Years present, we answer the question… this once.

Since the launch of The Swellco & Swellco Video Circus, there seems to have been one burning question in everyone’s mind:

What IS this?

We get a steady stream of emails asking this question. We’ve seen arms-length threads on message boards where people debate the answer. We’ve been accosted in the street. “I love what you are doing, but I don’t know what it is.” The staff has been instructed to be vague. In all honesty, some lower down the ladder ask the question themselves. I, myself, have frustrated people to the point of watching them storm away in anger.

But I haven’t refused to answer the question because I don’t have one, or because I revel in exasperating people. (However, I often do). I don’t answer because it’s the wrong question.

The question isn’t “WHAT is this?”
The question is “WHY is this?”

Why do we revel in the most twisted and bizarre? Why do we encourage the most base urges and depraved fantasies? Why do we propose that aging drag queens are role models and pornstars are saints?

Because we believe the world is dying, and we’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief – Denial – Anger- Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance… and Swellco & Swellco is a direct result of this 5th step. We see the dark times ahead as the Empire begins to burn, and we have made peace with that.

The overwhelming hordes of literal and figurative barbarians are at the gate, and we think it’s time to hand out fiddles.

The Video Circus, Cinema Barbare, Hard Times, the Circus Cult franchises and all departments of Swellco & Swellco currently under development are being constructed as a hospice during the great decline we are witnessing. We feel a lot of people need protection from the cold.

We recognize the American Dream is no longer in our grasp. The game is truly rigged and there is no way to win by their rules. But if you can’t win, why even play? Why not honestly create a new reality?

In our world, there are no market researchers trying to dissect us in order to water down and wash out our passions. In our world,  there are no corporations steam-shoveling our futures into their pockets as Judas politicians give excuses. In our world, there are no religious fanatics trying to beat us down with their dogma and rules. Maybe those things are all still there, but we no longer allow them to effect us.

Here there are no whores, there are no losers, there are no judgments. There is joy in the realm of honest consent and, within that realm, anything is possible. Straight, gay, master, slave, clown, goddess, nerd, twenty-year-old or senior citizen, everyone comes to our party.  There is only us and them.

We take the blind ignorant narcissism and excess that is the national symbol of their control and make it a conscious insolent act.  Our hedonism is an act of defiance. We loot the buffet as the ship starts to sink, and we give the finger as we drink from the last bottle of champagne.

Why do we do this?
Because there is no reason to cry when you can laugh, and there is no reason to stress about your life when you can run away and join the circus.

-R.E. Brown
Swellco & Swellco 64312b

Photos courtesy of R.E. Brown

Autofellatio is all the new rage.

Just when I thought I had overcome most of my penis envy through intense hours of humiliating therapy sessions, I stumbled across this: The Holy Grail of Male Masturbation. Actually, it’s simply titled “YOGAFELLATIO,” and it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a book that teaches you how to suck your own penis. Frank Valhalla is not a sexual magician, a contortionist, nor had any of his ribs surgically removed. He claims to know how to give yourself “NUCLEAR ORGASMS.” In his own words:

Just imagine what it would be like if your penis was the size of a skyscraper and you could go around having sex with cities, mountains, oceans, the Earth, the Moon… Anything you desired. Now take the intensity of what an orgasm of that caliber would be like and multiply it times One Hundred. That’s what you can arouse & explore with Autofellatio, if you know how… These are NUCLEAR ORGASMS… When they happen, the only thing in the Universe that isn’t shaking is you. Because, during the time this energy is activated, the Universe is Yours. The ancient Tantrists had a name for this explosive awakening of power & the unshackling of this Potent Sexual Energy. They respectfully called it, ‘KUNDALINI UNLEASHED.’ And people mistakenly think that Bungee Jumping is an Intense Experience..

Quite an attention-grabber!

So, how is this possible, you ask? Apparently, it’s simple, as explained by the Department of Masturbation’s Field Manual:

Place yourself in the center of the flow chart.

The answer is so simple! All I need is “special fatiguing,” “special unlocking,” “special stretching” and “special exercises,” as revealed to me in the SFM-69-issued Sexual Field Manual! But, alas, I am lacking one vital element: a penis.

However, the author addresses this problem on the book’s website, as well:

NOTE TO THE LADIES: I have had many enquiries if these techniques can be used for Autocunnilingus. Yes, most of the techniques are applicable. However, this book is written from a male point-of-view for males. There are some anatomical differences with the female and male pelvis; and even hormones, such as Relaxin released during pregnancy, that effect ligaments (in women) and the continuitous strength of these ligaments. While the book should be quite helpful for autocunnilingus (Yogalingus!), I have to admit this book is really written for men.

Sure, it’s a long shot, but what the hell? I’m buying one anyways. When the apocalypse comes, I’ll be happy and you’ll all be miserable and fellatio/cunnilingus-free, forced to copulate with with corpses piling up around you. Buy your own Sexual Field Guide here.

-Felicia Jackson
Swellco & Swellco 22397b