Uncle Wheat Toast claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Family thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.

Momma please be nice

Dear UNCLE TOAST:
I am a 18-year-old girl with two kids. I have been about 400 pounds overweight for the last 10 years. My mom drives me crazy because she comes over and pokes me with sticks and I can’t move. All she talks about is pro wrestling and accuses me of having a coke habit. Yesterday she asked, “If someone gave you $10,000 to fart, would you do it?” Mother’s remarks have strained our relationship. I can’t stand being around her. Should I put my foot down or just drop it?
-Terrified of Zombies

DEAR TERRIFIED OF ZOMBIES

Can you repair this relationship? Possibly, with the passage of time. Should Tim marry John? Not unless he wants his niece or nephew to also be his stepdaughter or stepson. That’s a lot to swallow and I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything to you, but only time will tell — lots and lots of time. In the meanwhile, enjoy your coke habit, after all, that shit gets you high. Also participate in school activities more and work on expanding your circle of friends. And now a gratuitous ass oiled for your viewing pleasure.
-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c

Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is?
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
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