We live in a time when numbed senses are mandatory for survival. We are physically, mentally and emotionally bombarded by so much shit on a daily basis these days. In order to “feel” any pleasure through our jaded armor, we need to get the knives out. Guess what, on Friday the 21st we did. Even the most hardened hipster or smug rocker on stage or in the audience felt something at the Swellco & Swellco Hard Times dance party. We provided another public service at the hospice of the worlds end.

This Community Outreach was the culmination of the environment we try to achieve. A surreal acid trip mixture of strangeness that one struggles to wrap a mind around.

The vibe put on by the djs and go go girls was perfect. Intense rock n’ roll sexuality. One of the best sets with the best vibes you could find in the city and set the stage for what was to come.

Helen Harper adorned in her very best Donna Reed costume handed out cookies and Mr. Black was on hand with sample shots of Swellco & Swellco Ritual Grade Wolf Pee for the adventurous types.

By 10:30 the venue was packed to capacity with lines down the stairs and out the door.

Some time after 11:00 the girls of the Rigor Mortis Revue took the stage and did what they do best, sick & twisted horror burlesque.

The contest started sometime around midnight. We had tested out the “talent” contest at Baphomet’s Birthday Bash in October. We ended the contest early after the second contestant had the host carve SWELLCO into his back with a bowie knife and pooled the floor with blood. We thought, maybe, just maybe we might get something that crazy this time around. We were in for a surprise.

First up, a pop master threw himself into a break dancing frenzy. It was impressive, he was a pro, but in the kingdom of the strange, that wasn’t going to cut it. From there we had beautiful girls using themselves as human dart boards, assholes used as bottle openers, lips sewn shut with safety pins, heads used to break bottles, a butt crack luge shot contest, two different staple guns wildly shot into unflinching bodies & faces…

The finals fell between a couple who wildly slashed at each other with razor blades then made out covered in blood, and a young man who created a piece of enema art.

Did I say enema art? Yes I did. He laid a blank canvas on stage and proceeded to squirt various colors of paint from his butt hole. (yes paint inserted with enema bottles, not colored pooh) and created a painting Pollock would not be proud of.

The profusely bleeding half naked couple won the $100 cash prize by the sheer overwhelming amount of violence they forced upon each others bodies. However the enema art was promptly purchased by an audience member for $60.

But the insanity did not end there. Helen Harper was so outraged by the lack of graphic sex acts at a benefit for a porn star, (which honestly, we expected to dominate the contest) that she showed off her blow job skills on the 10 inch strap on worn by Louise LaTease during the Burning Angel Porn Pack Raffle.

Then unexpectedly, a very inebriated Needles Jones burst into the room demanding to know why he wasn’t on the bill and sang an impromptu rendition of Christina Aguilera’s “I’m Beautiful” then promptly passed out on the blood stained stage. (the newly built stage wasn’t painted and was literally stained by all the blood)

We would like to wish Jessie Lee a speedy recovery. We want to thank Burning Angel, the Rigor Mortis Revue, Kishbaugh & Kohlhofer, Helen Harper, Louise LaTease, Needles Jones, Jak and Slugg for all lending a hand. We would also like to thank the Khyber Pass Pub for the bad judgment shown in letting us into their house again. Next month, it will only get worse.