The Baphomet Birthday Bash Masquerade Heavy Metal Dance Party and Emergency Preparedness Drill
Photos courtesy of Clayton Sweeney, Jak Christ, Greg Christie & John Goreham
So, we are going to take a different approach to our usual event debriefings. Instead we are going to post a series of debriefings, from the perspective of different staff members who were involved or in charge of different aspects of the party.
Corporate head quarters has been very pleased with the Video Circus’ community outreach events this year and want us to further our reach into the hearts and minds of the city we are seated in. Because of this, I have been transitioning the live events over to Louise LaTease, who has been tasked with forming a regularly performing troupe. Which is great by me. In all honesty, I dread the live events. Not that they haven’t been wildly successful. But the stress leading up to the event leaves what’s left of my fragile brain all crispy crunchy like the bones of a baby bird.
The good everyone saw.
-The party was packed to capacity.
-The password stayed off a steady stream of Old City douche bags who tried to crash. Only true zealots were welcomed.
-There were so many furies that we couldn’t keep them corralled in one spot
-There were even more “almost nudes” than furies.
-The Bukkake Mime Experimental Dance Troupe who came all the way from Hamburg Germany were AMAZING. They picked Satan & Jesus to wield the mighty bukakke cannons, which only added to nuance of the very artistic dance.
-The Swellco & Swellco Burlesque girls were all amazing.
-Needles Jones performance was outstanding and he played an unexpected full set. His “Happy Birthday Mr. Baphomet” routine was also amazing as was the Swellco & Swellco entry for worlds largest penis cake, which he sang over.
-Even though we had no forks, knives or serving utensils, the entire cake was consumed.
-DJ GR/EG’s return to the turn table helm was fantastic. Baphomet loves metal.
-The smashing of the Glenn Beck Pinata was a spectacle that will stay in the minds of our attendees for a very, very long time.
-Sleazy E was excellent in the roll of host and the costume contest was a huge hit.
-The No Talent Contest was cut short when a participant volunteered to have someone carve SWELLCO into his back with a knife. Did I say that? Yes I did. Talk about a show stopper, who can top that?
The bad that no one saw.
-The dressing room room had been converted into a storage closet during the Khyber renovations. Have you ever seen 8 performers trying to get ready in a 5′x2′ standing room only space?
-I forgot the batteries to the video camera on the charger at home. That’s right. No video for the Video Circus. Some of the best performances our people have ever done, and we have NO video. I was so angry that I felt like stabbing a young boy in the restroom.
-Our John Holmes impersonator couldn’t find his mustache. No one else seemed to be concerned by this. But I sobbed like a little girl. Details are everything.
-Charles Baphomet’s private jet was was 3 hours late due to the weather and they had reserved him a common room instead of the presidential suite at the Sofitel.
-I also forgot the Wolf Pee at home. No auction for ritual magic. People were pissed.
-One of the Bukkake Mime Experimental Dancers forgot her ID and I had to grovel at the feet of the door man (not employed by us) to let her in.
-While Aimi Shizuoka & Mariko Yoshida (the stars of Two Girls, One Cup) showed up, Tila Tequila, Kim Kardashian & Pastor Fred Phelps did not attend.
-A crazed blacked out drunk girl dressed as Alex the Droog tried rushing the door and was evicted a whooping 6 times.
-A young boy was stabbed to death in the bathroom and we had to sneak his corpse down the back stairs. My assistant Jak was up all night sawing bones.
-We had hung the Glenn Beck pinata up on display and the head snapped off prematurely. In the storage closet dressing room, the girls had to conduct emergency surgery on the dummy, before they smashed it to pieces.
-After nearly a year of constantly riding and hounding Louise, she snapped upon my delivering a flurry of “I told you that would happens” over the pinata. She lunged at me and clawed my face so badly that I required 6 stitches.
After it was all said and done, I was exhausted, emotionally spend and hungover. I fled town and sequestered myself and my lovely first wife Bunny Fox Brown in the Chelsea Hotel for three days where I smeared butter on my genitals and ate buckets of crab meat.
I want to thank Artistic Director Louise LaTease, Assistant Artistic Director Keycifer Black, Operational Manager Mr. Black, my Assistant Jak, Photographer Clayton Sweeney, Door Girl Helen Harper, Richie the Khyber Pass manager, “Foundation X”, DJ GR/EG, Sleazy E, Lord James of Blackheath, the Bukkake Mime Experimental Dance Troupe, Needles Jones, all the Swellco & Swellco go-go girls and performers and all of the zealots who are down for our cause. After pulling off this, another soul tainting, genuinely bad idea.
But most importantly I want to thank Swellco & Swellco International Board Member Charles Baphomet and our corporate masters for the great honor of employment. Your employee assets eagerly await the opportunity to aid in your profit.