Shower Yourself! (Some Wedding Shower Suggestings)
Inappropriate gifts to get you banned from celebrating other people’s sex lives.
Dear Miss Molly,
Every weekend, I have to attend some kind of wedding shower, baby shower, birthday or religious coming of age event. Why can’t everyone celebrate their own shit & let me do my own thing? I am sick of buying gifts for other people to fuck to, their unborn kid to poop into or finance the extension of moot beliefs.
Of course everyone wants you at their event; stop making your presence so valuable! You are invited because you are a servile friend & show up with excellent gifts.
First- try getting drunk as fuck at every event. Hopefully everyone will leave you alone & you can resume drinking in solitude.
If your antics with the Old Crow & beer bong don’t get you blacklisted, here are some gift ideas that will almost definitely have almost everyone leaving you alone.
Nothing says “Welcome to the World” like a Police Brutality Coloring Book. Junior will be awakened to the harsh world of misuse of authority while letting out his young artistic urges.
Instead of saying, “Here’s some of my hard earned money to start your future. I don’t mind staying broke to help you have matching towels”, give the gift that will keep the marriage alive: The Rock Box. The Rock Box delivers orgasms for both bride & groomwithout fail, which is way better than the dry, sexless marriage Cousin Clara is destined to have. It’s an orgasm machine: way better than monogramed washcloths & deviant enough to make grandma turn up her nose.
The only people who truly give a shit about a child entering adulthood in the eyes of the church are obviously the people who believe in the church’s opinion. A few days before the event, show the kid in question this music video by Children.
Explain that the child has to learn to learn to reject constraints & should smack the head of a dead pig with a stick until bloody to truly become an adult. You will promptly be removed from the guest list.
These gift suggestions should save the fate of your weekends. Unless your friends are all into Swellco & Swellco & are now redesigning their registration: if that’s the case, NYC, Chicago & Philly, check back whenever you have a few minutes to play.
And, in parting, always remember to shower yourself.
-Miss Molly (Swellco & Swellco #D81624)