Baby Mama, The Living Dead Chapter
How do you feel, my darling dead love?
In the wake of Philadelphia’s recent “Zombie Crawl”, I am walked home from my church choir alongside the feculant flesh-adorned masses doing the same. Searching the masses, I could see a large number of them were attractive females, holding onto their zomboyfriends and fucklebuds. Beyond any concern over the emerging zombie population, I had one primary question: can these zombies get each other pregnant, or could they get US pregnant?
A question, in need of an answer, took my concerns to the street. First, of course, I armed myself with a torch and pistol ti ward off more surly members of this rotting mob. Secondly, I armed myself with the burning desire to get to the bottom of this conundrum. There must be an answer, and If true, how are we as Americans supposed to rear these droopy pups. I began to question members of the human race as well as the more aware members of the Zombie race. At first I was met with a wave of dire dismissal…disappointing. After much, “get out of here”, “Fuck off stupid ass” and “mmmmhhhhrrrrrmm hrrrr”s, I found a willing voice, in the form of an dim busty corpse named “Melanie”.
“Melanie” shared that she herself, a zombie, had been pregnant more than a dozen times. Most of her zomspawn did not come to term, and those that did were snatched up and eaten by her zombie family…or herself. During the interview, I suggested that I try to impregnate her, to see if a member of the human race could successfully impregnate an actual Zombie. Although seemingly interested, she turned down the opportunity repeatedly. I continued bating her, for fear that my growing hypothesis would not be satisfied, but it was for naught. During this time, I noticed her base senses were beginning to dull, perhaps because the zombification’s pace was speeding up. Would my burning need for answers lead me to my doom? I could not continue this interaction with an undead participant, or lose my life in the process. I brandished my pistol, and (with the pre-knowledge of how to put down a zombie chick) put a smoking slug between her eyes. This action caused a mass panic in the bar we were in, and soon a Police officer had me in handcuffs. What was the meaning of this, was it truly illegal to protect oneself from a dead assailant? The answer is…Yes. Apparently there are no such things as zombies. They may have detained me, but I will get to the bottom of this debacle…one day.
Dr. Robotnik (from within Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility)
(Swellco & Swellco 9985b)