Art Class Boners, Doom Rock & SubRosa
My first true love was my 6th middle school art teacher, Miss Vonner. It wasn’t her cute peroxide-blond bangs nor the sexy librarian glasses that she always adorned that drove my 11yr old hormones into a frenzy. Nor was it the more-than-ample bosom that frequently spilled out of her collection of short pink dresses while her helping hand guided my strokes. My crush was on her general awesomeness.
Miss Vonner didn’t judge me when I brought a dead rabbit that I had found on the side of the road into class for my still life project. She said the charcoal drawings of a decapitated guidance counselor were ‘very unique and well done.’ She talked to me about music and turned me on to Diamanda Galas, PJ Harvey and Electric Wizard. And most of all, she completely ignored my obvious boners – unless per chance my hand was in my pants… and even then she just smiled and politely said, “Not here, Kevin.”
When I came across a video of Rebecca Vernon fronting for the underground Salt Lake City Doom-Sludge-Follk band SubRosa, for a few minutes I was 100% sure that Miss Vonner had quit teaching to sing about Eugenics to young metal heads. After my boner subsided, research confirmed that Rebecca Vernon’s likeness to my sultry 6th grade art teacher was only a coincidence; but somehow her and her band’s music still made my pee-pee feel just as funny.
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