I Still Haven’t Outgrown Mega Man
Dr. Light was a fucking genius.
I woke up in a mood today. A mood for Mega Man. His magical pew-pew-pew waves of nostalgia roll over me from time to time. Naturally, I went to my Minibosses Mega Man 2 medley and turned it up as loud as possible, while dancing around to Dr. Wily’s theme song in my fleece footie pajamas. “Louise, when will you ever grow up?” people ask me every day,
obviously jealous of my awesomeness exasperated. The realization hit me about a year ago that this IS me…GROWN-UP me. I mean, the my little ponies grew up too. Some went into porn and some turned gangster, but they’re the same age as me and seem to be doing just fine.
Anyways, back to the little boy in blue spandex with a huge gun cannon for an arm. Was he really supposed to be a ‘man’ under that get-up? Maybe he was actually a girl the whole time, like Samus from Metroid. The good news is that, as it turns out on the magical interwebs, Mega Man can be anything he or she wants to be, even a fucking pony. (Yeah, I might have pooped myself a little when I saw the image, too. No shame.) That being said, I challenge you, Dr. Wiley. Bring on all the bad guys you have stashed away in your laboratory, because Dr. Light’s hero man/boy/girl/woman/pony/cyborg with Steve Buscemi’s face will fend off any attackers with his/her/its 12-inch wang and/or DDD boobs. Or maybe both at the same time, that’d be fun. See, there’s the whole “growing up” thing again. Quick, someone make a poop joke!
But seriously, Mega Man. I love you and I’m not afraid to say it. Your franchise’s graphics were always cutting edge, your music was always amazing, the bad guys awesome, and let’s not forget Rush. He was cute. I’ll never outgrow you, Mega Man, especially since you turned out to be a creepy perv… just like me and damn ponies. Xoxo (call me).