The Extraordinaires’ Satanic Sodomy Bash
And by satanic sodomy bash we mean festive holiday revue
A few weeks ago we suspended our event listings because everyone wanted to get drunk over the holidays. We had been attending and writing about events that were featured in our listings and it wasn’t clear if we should continue or not now that the listings stopped.
I decided, fuck it. I wanted to go check out the The Extraordinaires Holiday Revue anyway so I might as well write about it. I had no idea it was going to be such an ordeal.
First off, the doorman gives me a hard time because I didn’t have an I.D.
Wheat Toast “Look, I have grey in my beard, obviously I’m over 21.”
Doorman “That is clearly a fake Santa beard.”
Wheat Toast “Come on, I’m old enough. I already bought a beer for fuck sake.”
Doorman “You just pulled that out of your pocket.”
Wheat Toast “I’m a member of the press. I have to see the Extraordinaires Holiday Revue to write about it.”
Doorman “You realize you that you’re at McGlinchey’s, right?”
Clearly this clown wasn’t going to play ball. So I went with Plan B: Go to correct venue.
But then the cab driver tried to butt fuck me with his mind. I mean that literally. I have an almost extra keen sensory perception when it comes to people secretly wanting to butt fuck me. As we drove the cabbie repeatedly looked into his rear view mirror and I had no doubt that he was leering and crawling his imagination all over my sexy anus. No matter how tight I clenched my ass, I knew his mind was in there. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and started screaming and he threw me out of the cab.
So there I was stranded in front of 30th Street Station with time and space taunting me as the warm festive jaunty antics of the Extraordinaires went on across town.
However, later I was kinda glad I didn’t go. Word on the street from me pretending to have been there is that the show took a really dark turn. Apparently things got out of hand and they butchered a live goat. Also, another rumor I just made up is that the singer from Man Man was sodomized on stage. Seriously?
-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c
photos courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/theextraordinaires