A Letter To Creepy Chan After Her Most Recent Defeat
Dear Creepy Chan,
How I miss you and your sexy fantastic imaginary nosebleed play parties I often re-enact with burnt Barbie dolls. I watched every episode of your rematch on America’s Top Model All Star Smackdown. When you came in second place again… I cried into my Haagen Dazs mint chip flavored emotion therapy for a week.
I know you have been upset and have gone into seclusion because normally I can still see you from the legally required 500 yards that the courts of New York demand I keep from you. But even though you lost TWICE now on a reality show, and even though you have declined to be our spokesperson and have refused to acknowledge my never requited lust for skinny bitches who smoke too much pot, I know you will break free of your fears and join us soon.
I read on 4chan recently that you got into a slap down with a tranny from Drag Race and a hood rat from Charm School and they rubbed mashed potatoes in your long beautiful hair at a reality show cancer benefit. (If this is so, then please send me some of the hair) If you were my lead lady, I would say “hoe no” and TCB on all of those who would seek to harm you. I humbly plead to you my dear miss Harvard, please free your mind and learn to embrace the Swellco & Swellco Subversive Subliminal Video Process. I promise you will learn to love it too, almost as much as I love you.
Yours always and forever,
Swellco & Swellco 24534b
P.S. I’m not joking about sending me the hair.
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Photos courtesy of http://fuckyeahallisonharvard.tumblr.com