Happy Birthday Charlie Sheen!
When Charlie ‘crashed’ big-time earlier this year and we learned of his tennis ball sized rocks of cocaine, his porn star harem, and week long binges, I couldn’t help but be impressed. But when he completely refrained from the whole ‘I have a problem and I’m getting help’ shtick and instead epoused the idea that the whole thing was perfect and beautiful, being that he was a ‘Vactican Warlock Assassin with Tiger Blood in his veins and winning at life’… hearts started fluttering out of my eyes. Every day seemed like a magical adventure and I couldn’t wait to hear what would come out of his mouth.
- “Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”
- ”I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”
- ”I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
- ”The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
- ”I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
- ”I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”
- ”Bring me Dr. Clown shoes.”
- ”We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. “
After a while, the magic started to fade. Lame radio show. Lame tour. Lame marketing his wisdom on t-shirts…. The man just fizzled out when we all hoped he’d explode like the best fireworks ever. If he were as smart as he thought he was he would have eschewed the commercialism; immediately written a book on the philosophy of Vatican Warlock Assassins and started a well-armed sex-cult. I probably would have joined at the time.
In anycase, Happy Birthday Charlie… I never thought you’d make it to 46. Damn shame.
Swellco & Swellco #80085E