How To Remove A Toe (Fuck You Mutter Museum)
How many toes do you have?
“Now this won’t hurt a bit.” Ever heard a doctor say that right before she freezes an extra toe off (also known as cryosurgery)? Don’t believe her. She is a liar, a dirty hateful whore of a liar. I don’t know if it’s the freezing or the scraping of the bone that hurts worse, but having gone through both once before with one of several extra bird like talons on my foot, the whole procedure wasn’t one that I ever wanted to experience again (even vicariously). So when my child was born with three extra toes on his foot, I wanted to give alternative treatment a try. Enter duct tape.
What convinced me to try duct tape toe removal were the results of a study reported in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine (October 2002). The study was conducted at the Madigan Army Medical Center near Tacoma, Washington on 51 patients (ages 3-22) with extra digits or limbs. (Seattle and Tacoma have a rivalry of sorts so Seattleites in particular enjoyed this study as it gave us plenty of new material.) Of those 26 patients treated with duct tape, 85 percent amputated the extra body part. Doesn’t sound like that impressive of a success rate? The 25 patients who received cryosurgery had only a 60% rate of success.
Once you have that pesky finger or toe ripped off, the next question is, “what do I do with it?” A removed extra digit or limb can be used as a center piece for your family dinner, send it to an ex-lover covered in feces, or place it in your butt.
One dissappointing thing I’ve discovered is that you can’t give it to the Mutter Museum, they mail it right back to you. Offering sex to the old bag in charge of the place only gets you restraining orders. I guess like so many things these days, extra digits in a jar are only cool if they are vintage. So fuck you mutter museum, my bird like talon in a jar doesn’t need your exhibit. I know of a couple of lucky fellas that might just be getting a severed toe in the butt.
Be sure to visit the Mutter Museum before it mysteriously blows up.