Krampus “The Claw”
I hate Christmas.
I hate the cold weather and the snow. I hate the contagious pseudo-cheer spread through the mind numbing constant barrage of holiday songs. I hate negotiating the social minefield of buying or not buying presents for friends, coworkers, extended family and random associates, who may buy or not buy presents for you And I hate that fat fuck Santa Claus.
When I was a young child, this time of year wasn’t merely a time for anticipating Santa and his gifts… It was more so a time to be on the look out for Krampus “the Claw” and stealer of children.
Both my Father and Grandmother (Oma) who lived with us were born in rural Germany. Every year around this time they would regale me of tales of a horned unspeakable demon creature who would accompany Santa and ‘take care of the bad kids’. And by ‘take care of’ they didn’t mean leave you a lump of coal. Krampus would apparently steal you from your family in burlap sack, beat you with sticks and then dump you in the river. My parental units even conspired to have my uncle dress up like a demon and scare the bejesus out of me now and again. As Christmas approached closer I would try to amass secret make-shift weapon caches and hide them in my room in order defend myself, not sleeping much until after Christmas had passed. The day I found out Santa did not exist was one of the happiest days of my childhood, because it also meant Krampus did not exist… and also that I would not be drowning in a river that year.
Needless to say, one day my eventual progeny will be experiencing the psychological terror that is Krampus. I’ll probably even help them build their own anti-Krampus munitions and devices.
Swellco & Swellco 12124a
In rural areas of Bavaria, Austria & Hungary young men dress up as the Krampus in the first two weeks of December, particularly on the evening of 5 December, and roam the streets frightening children with rusty chains and bells. In some rural areas the tradition also includes birching – corporal punishment with a birch rod – by Krampus, especially of young girls. Images of Krampus usually show him with a basket on his back used to carry away bad children and dump them into the pits of Hell.