Exclusive Interview: Count Smokula
Uncle Wheat Toast: What is the dirtiest thing you’ve eaten off the floor?
Count Smokula: Vun time I ate a carrot that had been removed from some vun’s body part. I think it came directly from the bowels of the oith.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Name a Northern Renaissance painter who was most directly influenced by the Italian arts of the late fifteenth and sixteenth centuries.
Count Smokula: That must be Rembrandt because he vas alvays eating pasta fazool and sometimes painted vit a brush made of uncooked macaroni. Stiff like you vouldn’t believe it.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Have you ever picked scabs off your old lady?
Count Smokula: I don’t hev an old lady. She vas young, kvite young. And yes of course, she hed scabs that hed to be removed, straight off her anatomical parts. I did it vit my teeth and she vas egg static!
Uncle Wheat Toast: What can fans expect next to from Count Smokula?
Count Smokula: A lot of ection!!! Fans should buy my albums “Authentic Sounds of Smokesylvania” and the BRAND NEW vun “Smokesylvania in My Mind” on itunes, amazon.com, rhapsody.com, vherever. My new movie “Trasharella” (co-starring vit Rena Riffel) just came out and is available at Amazon.com. My veb series “The COunt Smokula Show” an http://www.therealuhf.com More episodes coming! Look at the videos “Zombie”, “Poultrygeist” and all the other great Count Smokula videos on youtube! New songs vill be released! New videos soon! More shows! More ection! Egg cite ment! Tomatoes! Skveezebox! Rock’n'roll!
Uncle Wheat Toast: Do you like hard candy? If so why?
Count Smokula: Sugar is bad for you in 78 vays! But I still like hard candy! It toughens my souls! I can sink my fangs in it! It pleases me inside and out! I prefer gummy voims, though.
They are kvite suck you lent.
Uncle Wheat Toast: What is your most recent disease you caught from whoring?
Count Smokula: I got a headache. Vun of ‘em nearly nagged me to death. She kept begging for more and so I fed her sardines and she vanted a tuna and then things got really raw and ve itched and scratched each other. In the end she vas satisfied but she kept talking. Oy!
Uncle Wheat Toast: If you could be a semi viscus fluid, what would you be? I mean, what semi viscus fluid really describes you as an artist
Count Smokula: I vould be spoim! I vould viggle and wriggle and foitilize everything in sight. I vould make more mini-me’s so they vould go to voik and I could concoct more things in the depths of the night. Then again I might be olive oil.
Uncle Wheat Toast: What’s that smell?
Count Smokula: The smell comes from your armpits. Vhy don’t you vash them vunce in a vhile?
Uncle Wheat Toast: Do I smell funny?
Count Smokula: You do. I smelt you and I laughed. Almost got a hoinea.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Tell us about a cartoon that you think is funny and then tell us why.
Count Smokula:I vunce saw a cartoon of me as a bat. Can you believe that? I hed vings and everything. That’s funny because I don’t really toin into a bat. Sometimes a vombat, but you’d hev to be down under to understand that. Down under vhat I cannot tell you.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Would you be willing to show us your genitalia?
Count Smokula:Ah my genitalia, now that’s a horse of another color. Speaking of horses, I am vell hung like a horse, so you’d probably hev to be in a stable to see ‘em. And since you sound like you’re completely unstable, that vould be difficult. Now under the right circumstances, vit the proper cajoling and nekkid tomatoes hanging around, if you vere hiding in the bushes you might get a peek. But many today are shaved like eggs so it might be hard to peek through the bushes. Ha ha! Another mystery unsolved.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Is Jesus Christ your home boy?
Count Smokula: Hell, yeah! Ve used to hang out together. I taught him everything he knew about raising the dead and making the vine out of the vater. Ve drank some vell vater together and it tasted like crap, so I started to moan and vhine. He thought I meant “vine” like as in a drink, and so he pulled off that trick. Then he started drinking it, tried to get me to try it, I told him “I don’t drink vine”, so he drank it all, toined to full-time boozing and look at us now! I’m still here, doing kvite vundafully, and a lot of people expect him to retoin, but I think he’s still guzzling the home made cabernet and might be hanging out downtown somevhere vit a red nose and bloodshot eyes.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Tell us about your feet and why you like them so damn much.
Count Smokula: Listen, if your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re built upside down. I ain’t built upside down! That said, my feet smell like roses, vit dainty little pinkish toes. Vanna sniff ‘em? Remember, if Moses supposes his toeses are roses, then Moses supposes erroneously. But I ain’t Moses, so my feet can smell any damn vay they vant to! And they do! Yummy delicious!
Uncle Wheat Toast: When you were a child, you had an unfortunate accident where you fell down a well and you’ve often sited that as being the catalyst for becoming an artist. Could you tell us a little about this transforming event?
Count Smokula: It vas a big misconception. I fell down the vell, yes. There vas a horrible gaseous odor down there. Vhen I got rescued, they said I smelled like a fartist. But the noose papers got it wrong, misprinted it and removed the “f” letter (they thought it meant the “f” void, I think). So they said I came out of the vell smelling like an “artist”. I kind of liked how that sounded so I kept it.
Uncle Wheat Toast: Have you ever fantasized about riding a horse naked through a field of Pansies?
Count Smokula: I rode a Volvo through Vest Hollyvood vunce. Does that count?
Uncle Wheat Toast: No it doesn’t. Please pretend you fantasized about riding naked through a field of pansies. It gets me hot.
Count Smokula: Sometimes in my dreams I’m riding a vild black mare through these fields. But I’m not naked completely. I need a foim support for my famed genitalia so they vouldn’t bounce too hard. And yes, of course, I vould be vearing a cape and fez. Does that answer your kvestion?
Uncle Wheat Toast: Any advice you want to throw out to upcoming performance artists like yourself?
Count Smokula: Don’t behave like everyvun else. Do something egg straw din airy. But do it, do it, till you’re satisfied, vhatever that is.