Hello, My Name Is Frank And I Can Suck My Own Penis
Autofellatio is all the new rage
Just when I thought I had overcome most of my penis envy through intense hours of humiliating therapy sessions, I stumbled across this: The Holy Grail of Male Masturbation. Actually, it’s simply titled “YOGAFELLATIO,” and it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a book that teaches you how to suck your own penis. Frank Valhalla is not a sexual magician, a contortionist, nor had any of his ribs surgically removed. He claims to know how to give yourself “NUCLEAR ORGASMS.” In his own words:
Just imagine what it would be like if your penis was the size of a skyscraper and you could go around having sex with cities, mountains, oceans, the Earth, the Moon… Anything you desired. Now take the intensity of what an orgasm of that caliber would be like and multiply it times One Hundred. That’s what you can arouse & explore with Autofellatio, if you know how… These are NUCLEAR ORGASMS… When they happen, the only thing in the Universe that isn’t shaking is you. Because, during the time this energy is activated, the Universe is Yours. The ancient Tantrists had a name for this explosive awakening of power & the unshackling of this Potent Sexual Energy. They respectfully called it, ‘KUNDALINI UNLEASHED.’ And people mistakenly think that Bungee Jumping is an Intense Experience..
Quite an attention-grabber!
So, how is this possible, you ask? Apparently, it’s simple, as explained by the Department of Masturbation’s Field Manual:
The answer is so simple! All I need is “special fatiguing,” “special unlocking,” “special stretching” and “special exercises,” as revealed to me in the SFM-69-issued Sexual Field Manual! But, alas, I am lacking one vital element: a penis.
However, the author addresses this problem on the book’s website, as well:
NOTE TO THE LADIES: I have had many enquiries if these techniques can be used for Autocunnilingus. Yes, most of the techniques are applicable. However, this book is written from a male point-of-view for males. There are some anatomical differences with the female and male pelvis; and even hormones, such as Relaxin released during pregnancy, that effect ligaments (in women) and the continuitous strength of these ligaments. While the book should be quite helpful for autocunnilingus (Yogalingus!), I have to admit this book is really written for men.
Sure, it’s a long shot, but what the hell? I’m buying one anyways. When the apocalypse comes, I’ll be happy and you’ll all be miserable and fellatio/cunnilingus-free, forced to copulate with with corpses piling up around you. Buy your own Sexual Field Guide here.