The Devil Inside, The Devil Inside…
Here at Swellco & Swellco, we have standard procedures for hiring prospective employee assets. Of course, we utilize the expected barrage of psychological mind-fuck tests – the ones that you know you need to answer ‘yes’ but, for the good of your career, you answer ‘no’ . Take note: at our company we want more. Much more.
We have recently outsourced several of our tests to the Church of St. Marks, giving both our new hires and their auditors a new edge.
The ideal Swellco & Swellco Employee or Imp-loyee if you will, is driven and motivated beyond the want for a simple paycheck. Swellco & Swellco Imp-loyees are truly possessed by a need to serve our clientele, possessed by a desire to do what we consider our great work of iniquity, possessed by forces beyond their knowledge or control.
The Church of St. Marks has developed a brilliant questionnaire – composed of only 15 simple questions – that can pinpoint exactly the level and quality of possession each prospective employee is blessed with. This has made our hiring process much easier. For example: I am apparently possessed with the demon “Katal”. According to the good Reverend Marcus:
“Katal is the demon of jealousy and bitterness – he’s the spitting image of Lucifer his master who rebelled against the true God. He finds his way into the hearts of those who are envious of those around them, who think ill of family, friends and neighbors. Signs: those possessed by Katal will have violent mood swings, they will have a cold, clammy sweat and most frighteningly, may bleed from the eyes. Those around the possessed may hear a menacing, whispered voice with no obvious source.”
Of course, this comes as a surprise to no one around the office. As the token bitch, nitpicking and criticizing every little thing anyone does… especially the men. I am prone to violent mood swings, and that is why the men in the company ultimately decided to make me take a week out of the office a month, sitting alone on a barren mountain – just me and my menses- just like in the old days…
But enough about me and my period. This questionnaire dubbed “What Hell Dwells Inside,” elicits all inquiries any corporation would need to make of a prospective applicant:
“Is there is an evil within you or someone you care about? Do they look at you with a strangers eyes? Is there a fear in your home, an abomination around you that makes your skin crawl? Perhaps something terrible has already happened, or will soon. Do something about it. This test puts 25 years of demonology and possession into your hands. Take the questionnaire and learn which demonic force – if any – may be plaguing you or someone you love.”
Take it for yourself, find out which demon you’re afflicted with, then fax us your resume or make a comment below. We’re waiting.
-Louise LaTease
Swellco & Swellco 13493a
Tags: angelina jolie, church of saint mark, demons, exorcism, greed, hell, lust
