Moonshine and Butter Don’t Make it Better
Uncle Wheat Toast claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Family thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.
Lick it up, it'll cost you.
DEAR UNCLE TOAST
I’m a junior in college, but I don’t feel like one. I am still afraid of the Ice Cream Man. The Ice Cream Man never physically abused me or my brothers, but he was verbally abusive and lives outside my bedroom window. He had a tough life, was beaten and set on fire by an angry mob, married young, and had lived on stolen butter and moonshine while he was in his early twenties. He is now in his mid-eighties and is still trying to exact his revenge on the neighborhood.
Now that I live in a dorm, I get phone calls from him every day asking me where I am and what have I done, and if he doesn’t like what I say, he hangs up and a few minutes later I’ll find pee puddles all over my bathroom floor.
I am not going home this summer. Since I’ve been away, I’ve realized it’s not normal to have an elderly mutilated ice cream man living in your yard.
Uncle Toast, I love the ice cream man, but I’m kept a virtual prisoner when I’m at home, and I’m physically ill from being harassed when I’m at school.
What should I do?
-THREE WAY FUCK
DEAR THREE WAY FUCK,
At one time or another, we have all had to deal with the neighborhood manic squatting in our yard. What confuses me is that he hasn’t butchered you yet. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t return to your own home, so take control of the situation. If you are no longer interested in being menaced by the Ice Cream Man, then suggest activities other than being menaced that you will enjoy. Try your turn at entertaining him, then take him places that you know will be fun for you as well. Since he is in his eighties and probably frail from living in your yard, you might be surprised to find that menacing or butchering him might be an option as well. Now a gratuitous ass dance because you bored me.
-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c
Need advice about your baby’s momma? Trying to figure out what that growth is?
Submit a question by email uncletoast @ swellco2000.com
or call the Uncle Wheat Toast Help-Line (571) 31-TOAST /86278
Tags: ice cream, maniac, moonshine, serial killer, slut, soft serve, swellco & swellco, uncle toast, verbal abuse
