The tension in my pants is unbearable
Uncle Wheat Toast claims to be an advice columnist and when he’s not smoking crack or on a glue binge, he seems to be somewhat lucid. As many as 15 thousand people write him a day asking for his worldly sage advice and the Family thinks it’s about time our pride and joy shares some of his wisdom.
Dance for Pappa
DEAR UNCLE TOAST
My husband, “Pee Pee,” and I are in our early 40s with two young hogs in our barn. I know that sounds like bliss but I’ve been having a problem with my father-in-law- my entire marriage. He expects Pee Pee to dance for him on weekends. As it is, they already cuddle with each other all week long. I try to get my father-in-law really drunk on shnapps, but still won’t go home to his wife on weekends — he’d rather spend time eating fake crab meat and watching his son dance.
I think Pee Pee should be with our hogs and me on the weekends. When I complain to him about it, Pee Pee accuses me of eating his soul. This Saturday morning when I objected, Pee Pee loaded the shot gun and on his way out he said over his shoulder, “See you tonight dead corpse bitch!” It’s impossible to make plans for the weekends because Pee Pee won’t agree to anything until he checks with his dad first to see if HE wants to watch him dance.
Am I selfish to want my husband to slaughter our delicious hogs and feed me burnt pork meat all weekend? After all, his dad already sees him dance, I never do. Please help me, Uncle Toast. The tension in my pants is unbearable. — DESPERATE WIFE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR DESPERATE WIFE IN TENNESSEE
I have to start off by saying you are a desperate wife in Tennessee… and that gets me hot. You need to brush your tooth, grab those hogs and baby, you and I will sit up sucking on your pork fat and pigs feet bone marrow until my blisters start to show. 267-259-2147 (cell) And now a gratuitous ass bouncing for your pleasure.
-Uncle Wheat Toast
Swellco & Swellco 54239c
Tags: advice columnist, farming, hog, inhalants, kate moss, murder, pee, shnapps, shotgun, swine
